Being Beautiful in God's Image

It has been almost a year since I have written in this journal. A lot has happened over this year and feel that it has helped me grow. This week in Bible Study we continue to read, "When You Pray" as it centered around the six prayers in the Bible. The verse in Psalm 139:14, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well," stood out to me this week. I mentioned in the study today that all people, pets and everything that God has created is beautiful in one way or another. We talked about art work and how God created us in the image He has wanted. I feel as time has progressed, God continues to show me such beauty. Being reminded of such beauty, has helped me to recenter myself to know that of all the beautiful kiddos I will be able to help in their journey to learning. I am thankful for despite the hardships for passing my test and starting the profession soon.

Focus on Jesus

It has been several months since I have written. I felt it would be better to write then hold my emotions/feelings in. It seems we are in a time where jobs are changing by limiting the amount of people to work and unfortunately people are having to make choices of looking for new careers or moving. I started a Bible study last month titled, "Speak It Until You See It" in which it involves writing three focused declarations. According to Dr. Ansonya L. Pace-Burke on page thirty three of the book she stated, "It's imperative to be intentional about declaring with your own mouth. You must learn how to speak to your issues and challenges commanding your way to freedom and a life of abundance that God has created you."


The ones I choose for my family and my own life are as follows:

1. I will be loving and nuturing for my family. This brings me to the verse from John 15:12: "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." We are so loved by our heavenly father in which He always forgives us from things we could lack or our sins. Also, it is imperative that our kids and in our marriage we demonstrate love in multiple ways such as through words, acts of service/actions, listening, physical touch, and gifts.

2. I walk in God's encouragement in work opportunities for my family. This relates to Philippians 4:12-13: "In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
This is the hardest one for me right now because this past Friday I got my test results to my Diagnostican test and have failed it by three points. This pretty much equals out to one-three questions (for the most part). The test took me FIVE hours to take and it involves 90 multiple choice and one short response. When I had gotten to the testing site, they did not have my accomodations ready such as having a paper based test. Due to having my own learning needs, such as anxiety (Particulary GAD which means Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and having an attention issue I have to sit in a room by myself and do a paper based test with a pencil. After an hour of waiting, I was able to take the test on the computer since my choices were rescheduling it or taking it that day. I did have my pencil and notepaper for taking notes. I tried my best as I went through and marked out the answers to what I felt was wrong. Since I have to write a student report, it takes longer to grade our test. I did well on the writing portion of the test, it was just mostly in Domain I. I have cried a lot on Friday and on Sunday. I cried throughout the whole church service on Sunday. As my husband and I listened to the fill in pastor talk about Ephesians (the summer focus) my eyes were flooding with tears and my heart hurt. After the service with my husband said lets pray together, a random stranger came to talk to me. She tapped my back and said "I am not sure what you are going through, but I am glad you still made it to church today." She told me that she has too felt those same things and she has to remember to focus on Jesus. Through my watery eyes I was trying to see if I knew the lady: maybe she worked at my school or I have seen her around Hutto, but she was someone totally unfamilar. At first it startled me, but then it allowed me to refocus. My passion since I was a young kid has serving those that had different physical and mental learning needs. When I was in elementary school, I had the opportunity to work with students who were hearing imparied. As years passed, I had several occurences where I saw or interacted with different kids who could not speak or communicate throughly. Something that stood out to me is when I was in about middle school/high school my family and I were at a pool and this kid came up to me because they were so intrigued by the colors of my shirt. At the time I was wearing a bright, multicolored shirt with the pictures of the characters of "The Brady Bunch." Yes, lol, that was one of my favorite shows back in the day. The kid's mom apologized to me, but I said that it is fine. I always had a lot of patience and I felt blessed that a kid came up to me and felt comfortable enough to get that close. In my most recent years, I have had the amazing experience of working with ALE with PALS (mentor program I did). I made it a strong purpose to do activities such as crafts, games and other fun activities for students who typically felt left out of the typical setting. As I wait to still reach my goal, I hope to have the opportunity to be part of Special Education.

3. With God's goodness, I stand firm in wanting good health for my overall family. Jermiah 33:6 states, "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." As I end my writing on this one, health is so important to me. Why do I say this? I had to watch my dad with my own eyes pass away due to a heart condition that affected everything else in his body. Over the summer my aunt passed away unexpectedly at the sixty two. Due to the privacy of my family, I do not want to go into details. This really hit me hard because my aunt was a type of person that was always laughing and was so positive. We spent so much time together when I was a child and I valued the activities (waterparks, sleepovers) that I got a change to do with my cousin as my aunt took us to do these things. It is important to stand up for your family and friends and really help them make better choices in what they put into their bodies and for resting, good mental health, and having a positive outlook.

God’s Angel

Around two weeks ago, Hanna and I were in a car accident. I was yielding from a residental area where we live and that road deals with going into a highway in which people go around 55 mph. I remember that night before thinking of how the process of closing in on my house in San Antonio was coming to an end. I did not have any luck renting it out and due to the distant of where I live now had to sell it. This was the last visual thing my dad and I had planned out together. Also the last home I lived in where he would come to visit me. Despite closing that chapter of my life, it is hard to say goodbye. Needless, to go back to where my story started: the collision of myself and a truck resulted in Hanna's side of the vechile being completely messed up (referred to as beinf tboned). I had a hard time with the memories of her crying. The vechile did not seem to stop. The impact could have really hurt us as my whole back windshield broke and glass shattered everywhere. Thankful to God because not either of us were hurt but the glass did not touch her. I feel that it was an angel. Due to everything, the car was totaled with not much money back for the situation. I am thankful for the help of others: my neighbors in the area, my hubby, my family, and coworkers for that day.

I think God is constantly teaching me to slow down. And sometimes we are not good at things. In my case, I am not the greatest driver, but plan to work on my anxiety in this situation. Also I am so blessed despite the unexpected occurences in life. I have been happily married for half a year now. I am honored to be in a Godly marriage that continues to grow and challenge me (in a good way) in my walk of faith. This also will most likely be my last year of teaching as I graduated in December with my Masters. As much as I love my students, I know that it is time for me to move on. To grow in the Special Education field. Although, I feel I have had made an impact on these kids lives. ❤

October is In

This week has been one month since I have been married. The feeling of pure bliss continues to linger even on the days that may seem overwhelming. It has been a progress moving to a new town that is small in which I do not get to experience a nearby Dunkin Donuts in the area (such sadness). I will say I miss my church, friends, and understanding what is expected on a everyday basis. Although, this week, has made my heart shine. I have offically been married for a month. I love my hubby and everyday is exciting because of our love of life and of Gods blessings.

Moving and New Blessings

Over the last couple weeks, my fiance and I have been taking things back and forth to my new place of where I will live. You never realize how much you have until you move. Going through my things, made me realize I really need to purge more. Yesterday, he took a 6 by 12 cargo Uhaul trailer back to Hanna and I's new home (Yes, he is the best, but I am biased, lol). The process has been bitter sweet because of the journey Hanna and I had when we moved to this home. Before I had moved to where I am now, as some of my blog is about, was in a very unhappy and unhealthy marriage. Often times I lived in "denial" because I felt I was going to be judged and when I commit to something or someone I give it my all. Upon moving here, I had asked my ex-husband for a divorce, having no idea where my life would be headed. Before getting a lot of the furniture, I often slept on the floor or a air mattress because I was pretty in the negative balance as terms as money was concerned. The bed I had here, my fiance broke apart so that we could give to someone else (since it is really hard to sell things in San Antonio). The frame along with the headboard I put by the dumpster and posted on the local Neighborhood application along with some of Hanna's things because lol I have done a lot of "donation" trips. Going back to my once room, there was still the green tape down on the floor that my dad had labeled and mapped out because of the space to where my bed should put. I am not very good EVER with measurements or Math, but my dad had put the area to when they come to set up my bed, where it should go. Along with this, I found one of Hanna's baby bottles as we moved here shortly after she turned one. Many of these memories will remain in my heart because even though I was blessed upon moving to where I have lived for the last almost three years, I was in a dark place for sometime.

. My best friend Andrea would always remind me of the famous Jermiah verse because she always knew God had way better plans then what I was living. Which is kind of cute and funny when I reflect on this, because I still recall this is the verse that my fiance put on his profile, when I discovered him. I think God has a sense of humor. During this process of moving it has reminded me (once again) to not buy or that I need to somehow get so many things I do not need. I was thankful in the process of moving, I had the opportunity to bless others with some of the items I do not need anymore. This was my first own real home and also the last thing that my dad and I did together. We worked together as I told him I wanted to do the downstairs watermelon colors (pink and green) and the upstairs under the water (so blues) since I love swimming, dolphins and anything water related. I have had to do it in segments because it is a process and its a new step, but a happy one. I hope this blog will inspire others in various ways such as there is always hope and God really has our best life in mind despite what we might go through. Lastly, real love, can be experienced, and joy. Others might have their own opinions or you might be hiding in your own pain, but it is okay (as I dealt with my ex) to walk away from painful things. You always want to set a good example and the best example for your kids and life. Also, God always has your best interest at heart.

Engagement

Last Thursday, offically one week ago from today I got engaged. This is a moment I have waited a long time for and feel as though I dreamed about. Over the years, I have watched numerous family members, loved ones and friends get married and start families. Sometimes though some people I know have had different outcomes and not always the ones also as expected. Such as having to deal with health issues, not being able to having children for various reasons or maybe their partner not exactly being the person they were supposed to be. For a long time I prayed for God to bring me someone, in my heart hoping this person would love and care for my daughter, be a man of God, motivated, fun, but also someone who I also could enjoy having a family together (them having their own children and also having one together). I was told by a pastor of my church last year a conversation that has always stayed with me: Write your requests down (why I love prayer journals) and see what God can do. He really got me to think deeply about this and I also stopped putting so much pressure on myself and letting things go. My future husband, by far, not only meets all the items I have dreamed/wrote down about, but is even a greater gift from God because of all his additional skills, personality and his love and kindness. When I first came across his profile (yes I will reveal I met him on a Christian based dating site) that I still remember the feeling (of joy or you could say the Holy Spirit that came over me) when I saw him and his two children. I specifically remember praying to God that night and saying: "Please God let this guy respond." I will never forgot that evening. Over the last few months, it has been such a continued blessing. I have seen God first hand in our relationship and with now entering marriage. Also, it is one thing to love someone else and to feel loved, but it is a even bigger blessing his beautiful children and the love/compassion I feel/show for them. My best friend since high school would always tell me to let go and how God would work things out. She also always has been patient with me and has listened to my heart and knew God had so much in store for me. When I got proposed to: all the things he said and did were so beautiful. I am so excited for our engagement and it still feels like a dream.

Not Being Labeled

Recently as of last night, I finished watching the film produced in 2020 called, "Words on Bathroom Walls," in which a young student has the mental illness known as schizophrenia. Some of the scenes had some interesting graphics and perspections of how public/private school handles these type of situations and what to do for people/students who struggle and have this. The end of the movie was rather touching (yes, tears came from my eyes) because he knew it really would not fully go away. Also, the priest in the movie, helped him realize he could overcome anything. Today as we finished up our recent series in church, my pastor spoke of our identity and how it is formed. Some of the things mentioned is having God's word and also important leaders. It is these leaders that help us establish who we are today. In the sense of the movie, "Words on Bathroom Walls," it was the priest at the private school he ended up going to and also his mom that made a difference in his life. I know many of my posts often reflect back on my career in teaching, but this year has to be one of the most difficult ones, in the sense of the various issues present. Due to ongoing illnesses of staff having COVID and the different behaviors of the students, we are short staffed. Everyday, teachers in general, but more or less, teachers of my school are not sure what they are "walking into." This past week, due to the changes of weather and stress of everything, I had more of a reaction in terms of my skin due to battling some of the stress. On Friday I remember thinking (again) to myself: "I am not sure how much longer I can do this." I was thankful to spend Friday and Saturday talking with people who have been a positive influence in my life. Yesterday, or Saturday, as I went to the thrift store to get more cotton based clothing/roomy clothing as recommended by the school nurse, in order for my skin to heal: I came across one of my students. This particular student got put in my class several weeks after school started. Due to privacy, I will not give out a lot of information, but has improved a lot despite her "labels" or learning related issues. As I was in line at the store, trying to get my toddler's attention, she came up excitely to tell me, "Hi." A wave came over me because I know this school year will continue to be crazy. Some of these issues we deal with are not easy to resolve. Although, seeing this student (of all places, lol, the thrift store) reminded me that I make and continue to make a difference in their lives. Her face light up as she greeted me. What does this mean? We might be labeled as things often determined or given by society, but have to reminded that God sees us all as equal. WE ALL ARE ONE. Also, it is important to let the past go and the things that discouraged us. Those things are not valid and should not be present in our life.

Showing Love

This Friday, October 1, 2021 would have been my dad's seventy fourth birthday. He was a guy who was not always big on gifts and often I would find the gift stashed away in a drawer with all his other goodies. I remember asking him, "Dad have you used the gift?" Often, he would completely avoid the subject or say how grateful he was. I also knew he was so busy working and did not take the time out to look at what was given. A few months ago, my mom and I were going through all his things hidden away in his office. It was there that I found the Fitbit I had given him to hopefully better monitor his irregularity of his heart. Instead of trying to resale the watch (which you know people can be very cheap to purchasing items) so I decided to give the watch to a friend that meant a lot to me at church. I wanted to give it to someone that was important to me. My hardworking dad was not always focused on "items" and our time consisted of sitting and talking to each other. These are the conversations I like to think of when I feel the moments of grief come on. My dad did the best he could as a parent to me over the years and what he taught me I will never forget. Sometimes we can make parenting harder than it seems. It is something that is not always easy and for me it never has been a simple journey. This week, since I have the week off from grad school, I was able to breathe and reflect more on the beautiful moments experienced. My very rambunctious toddler, who is three, last night was amused by the simplicity of My Little Pony items in her bathtub. As I monitored her splashing around in the tub, she was having tons of conversations with such horses. As a full-time working teacher, grad student, single mom and someone who always tries to help others: I tend to overthink things or get swept aside by the busyness I do not pause. All my daughter Hanna wants is to have a good time, needing that love and reassurance, and of course having quality time. As I reflect on this and think of all the chaos that is being done at the schools right now: Are these students shown love at home? Is getting negative attention to them better than not getting anything at all? Today or on a daily basis, I try to do my best to go around the classroom and not just better help the students with their reading and writing skills but show them they matter. This can be done by simple things such as having a conversation of their day, reading with them, or helping them with writing something such as (currently) their personal narrative. I have had students come give me a hug at various times of the day and in such as difficult school year, it has also really made my day. Lastly, as I reflect on parenting and showing love: each person needs it a certain way and does it differently. My dad was all about helping me with various things such as around the house or with my car. This week, when my air conditioner stopped working, I wish I could have picked up the phone and called him to ask him: "Dad, what do I do?" His guidance on many things was a sense of comfort and peace. I feel our parents always have a good intuition of us and know what is best. My dad might not have always been "perfect" but in the essence of time, I have come to conclusion he always loved me and always expressed "tough love." Sometimes this is the love I must show to my little daughter Hanna because I care for her so much. There are times when it is hard because I do not have a lot of time to myself (sleeping, haha, even if that happens), but I must remember the moments I have with her are to be treasured. Before my dad passed, he told me to always make sure to spend time with Hanna. He knew that I was sometimes bombarded by all the other factors in life. Love can be shown in the simplest things. To my daughter Hanna, sitting watching a movie while eating popcorn with her, brings her joy.

Reflections on a new school year

This past week was our, "offical" first week of school. The amount of classes have changed for most teachers and many of the students we have in our classes have to recall the basic skills like social, logging into things, and writing. It is important to remember to practice the essence of patience. Although, this school year is different. As I walked up to my middle school campus I really felt a void that continues to remain in my heart. Most mornings I was used to messaging or talking with my dad. He often encouraged me and reminded me of the various skills I have. I did not have the courage to place a picture of him inside my classroom from a fear of crying. Instead I have Blimpy and it sits on the front of my desk because this was him and Hanna's "thing." They often watched this Youtube sensation together as their favorite one was the, "Halloween song." Some of my middle schoolers who know who he is, have no idea why I have Blimpy on my desk. I miss my dad on a daily basis, but know that he is not suffering anymore and in a better place. I try to honor his memory by thinking of the good times and moments. Also, how he always worked hard for us and I continue to value his work effort. Today at church we focused on the strength of God and allowing us to overcome. My pastor reminded us to not to be afraid and that it is important to remember God's TRUTH, TRUST, and TIMING. As I approach school each day I will have to remind myself to think about this. Also, to trust God that he will move mountains with the students I have this year. Sometimes it is hard because the day may seem long, but I know that I am blessed. Often, I have been picking up Hanna around 530 or 600 pm to get all things done. From today's word it reminded me that the Lord is our ultimate strength and also to be thankful. I have undergone a lot of circumstances that when going through them, I often time felt upset, angry and distant sometimes from God. As I have pursued and gotten closer to my walk with Him: I can see His fruits and Thanksgiving in all areas of my life. Despite the past, the present and future can flourish and be blessed.

Our Foundation and changes

One of the churches I go to has had the central focus be on foundation and how our life is in reflection to God. Our foundation and how we live has to line up. Today as I was at my mom's house, she showed me my dad's death certificate. Before showing it to me, she read it off to me. The thing is that I spent time in the medical field and studied what the doctor's had diagnosed my dad with. I think seeing this visual brought back those hidden feelings of grief I try to mask under my layers. It was my dad's heart and his oxygen level/lungs that got the best of him. His body could only take so much and we have to be mindful how we treat our bodies. What do we put in them? What do we say to ourselves? What do we focus on daily? It is one thing to have a health condition, but also another thing to eat what is nutrition (appropriate). So many people are not shown what is right. It is moments like this, that make us changes things. I can not ever get back my dad, but I can only try to do my best and help others. Physical and mental health are so important. I think, unfortunately, it sometimes takes tragedy or illness, to make us realize things. I started my journey back in September to weight loss because I was so heavy. Walking/hiking put a lot of pressure on my heart because my body was having to do extra force. At the start of my weight loss journey, I was 224 pounds. Now I have reached one of my goals as far as weight is concerned and am 180. I still have to push myself to let go of specific foods and have to continue to work out. I think going through my dad's health and visually seeing him sick was eye opening. What kind of life do we want to live? This has been a rollercoaster, because also my best friend from high school, has been very ill with Crohn's disease. I pray for her, but with any illness/sickness it is a time process. With that said, it is important to remember our foundation: Is God first? Is he putting specific people in our lives for a reason/season? I have had so many people enter my life in the last few years. Some for a short time and others for a longer period. What stands out to me is that, all of these people have impacted me in one way or another. About a few weeks ago, while at Academy, Hanna saw a mannequin in the men's section. She walked up to it, and said, "Daddy," and started talking to it. I had to hold back the tears. Her dad I feel is almost invisible and I know she is now three and becoming more aware of things. When I mentioned this to my group at church we talked about how she was not aware of what she is doing (since she is so little), but also that it was once again a good thing that I walked away from the situation because she would have thought that was normal. I try to put this positive foundation in her life with focus around God. I sometimes have to pray for my patience because it is hard doing it all. With that said, it is important to cherish LIFE and our health.

Healing

I had a talk with my coworker the other day. We always have deep conversations when we have lunch together on A Days. She asked me: Have you experienced death before? I explained to her that I have, but not someone this close to me. For the most part my dad and I would talk almost every day. He would always provide insight for me when I was deep in thought or worried about work, a guy, Hanna and so forth. He was my "go to" person. There is not a lot of, "go to people," in life. They are very limited. Back in December, which is always the hardest month for me, I remember telling him: Dad I do not understand men? He explained to me that he could only imagine that things were differently these days. He always had a story to tell. He stuck by my side as I had to fight for my divorce. It was hard having to tell my dad some of the things that I went through, because it was something I had held inside for quite some time. Last week, Spring Break, I went on my first real date in a long time. He was someone that was discovered through this new virtual app (I guess of dating for quartinine) I was nervous and did not tell a lot of people because it is not easy getting back in this experience. We went to eat and talked the entire time. What striked me about this guy was he was also a single dad and appeared to be kind. He went through a similar experience where he had to raise his daughter on his own. I shared with him some of my many experiences of that my daughter still sleeps with me because I was always so used to it being us. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, and kissed. I did not think much of it, but then he said, "I only live a few minutes away- lets go back to my house." So many things crossed my mind at this time, but I stood my ground and said NO. We talked the next few days and then he disappeared. So when processing this with my friend, the truth came up and we obviously assumed all he wanted. I know that this was another blessing in disguise. I understand that the way sex is potrayed in our society and talked about, but so many people want more(communication). I feel I have to say this to many people because they do not get it. Dating seems to be a self confidence thing too because you have to learn rejection. Although, it is hard. It is sad that there are not many people that have values and care for others.

February

Last week, on the morning of February 17th, my dad, who was 73 years old passed away. He got diagnosed with a heart condition at an older age. About a decade ago, he had two open heart surgeries. One was located in San Antonio, Tx and the second one took place in Austin, Tx. My dad's theory was always you can never predict things in life. He was angry because of his heart situation, but did the best with it. At the time of his second surgery, we had to postpone my parents 40th wedding anniversary. We did celebrate it at a later time. The last time I saw my dad was on a Sunday. I went to go spend time with my parents every Sunday. We ate together and often watched Hallmark movies. Despite the fake, but fun plot of Hallmark, we had a good time seeing different scenary and places we have not ever seen before. I sat with him in his bedroom as he sat on the rocker and he told me to not always be in school (since I love going to school and getting my Master's degree) and to spend time with my daughter. He also said that not to overdue it. I remember looking at him as he was discolored from the infusions he had gotten and a blood vessel in his eye burst. It was disheartening seeing him like that. I could tell he was so uncomfortable and struggling. This last week, we had this crazy winter storm in Texas. My dad was in the hospital for like two weeks at this point and was hard to make it to see him because I was scared to drive. My mom was taken by the neighbor to see him. The last day she was there I called her and she put him on speaker phone. He was hoarse and very week. My dad (for once in his life) did not want to eat and was on oxygen. I knew at this point his body was shutting down and I had to remain strong, but my eyes filled with tears because I knew it would be hard to see him due to the storm, but also that his time on Earth was soon coming up. Following his passing, the issues of grief were in my heart. It is one thing to be a single mom and have overcome the grief of not having a husband, but losing your dad: is a whole other feeling. Every morning (when I was at my moms) that I woke up, I felt my dad would be there because he always woke up early like I did. He would tell help me get the milk for Hanna (every since her birth) or often held her. I felt a piece of my heart was missing when I could not see him. My dad and her had a special bond, that no one could break. Since she is so young, it is hard to explain why grandpa is not there. It was a blessing that many people reached out. Often times I wanted to isolate myself, but had to tell myself to "get it together." This is a process of healing when you lose a parent. I understand death is part of life, but also hard. It is also hard because I wish that more people would be honest. I have learned that some people might not understand how to handle certain emotions.

2021 the New Year

It is offically the 24th of the January and I can say that I am glad its a new year. My goal was to make a vision board, in which I did create with my pals students. One the board I listed things like confidence, going to grad school and so forth. Going to grad school has been a dream of mine for a long time. I applied over a decade or so ago and to be honest did not get accepted. I rememeber feeling disappointed, but I feel everything happens for a reason. I feel every new year, we as society, have new dreams and goals. I feel there is so many, but to focus on one at a time. One of my issues has been my weight. During the month of September I stepped onto the sale and was 224 pounds. This is one of my more heavier weights. During the month of January I started doing My fitness pal. I put my goal weight as being around 180. I have been working hard on calculating my calories and what I eat, etc. Today as I stepped onto the sale, I was 201 pounds. It is a hard and mental (plus action) process to not let binge eating take over. It is only the first month of the new year, but important to focus on progress.

Almost Christmas

Today offically marks the 23rd, which means it is two days before Christmas. 2020 has been a difficult year for many. We are still in a pandemic and having to figure out ways to survive the best we can. Its hard in the sense I miss larger social gatherings, going places mask less, concerts and not worrying about the issue of germs. As mentioned before, the holidays are hard for me, just like they are hard for people who can't see their families or those whose loved ones are sick or have lost them.Today I stopped by the park, as I am in a richy part of San Antonio. The skinny and beautiful moms were playing with their kids. I found myself in my car eating Whaterburger (which lol I should not be eating) and then of course the tears came. You have to realize I love being a mom. My daughter is my world. I look at her and thank God for a special gift and miracle. Although my love for her continues and will be strong: I feel pain. I feel it mostly in my heart everday. This pain is sometimes unbearable and cannot let it dictate me. I think of the weather and how it allows us to do and not do stuff: that is how this pain feels. By now I imagined my life differently and felt as if I did most of my life right. It is hard not to compare your life to your surroundings or what you desire. I desire to still have a family and more children. I have to get my one ovary I have checked ever few months and they ask: What is your plan? I say now, well, you know I am divorced, but still want a child. It is so frustrating because I feel my body is like a bomb about to explode often. Like I will not get that chance. It is a constant battle I have with God where this fear takes over. It is so frustrating because I know people have it worse. This time around though, I do not want to settle. I feel my self confidence/self doubt has allowed me to not think highly of myself. But I know God does. He sees me as his daughter. Despite my stubborness, disobedience, and all I have done he still loves me. He has my life planned out so techically I should not fear. I should not cry, worry or compare myself. He makes the darkness into light.

Mid December

Next week, it is offically Christmas. It seems that the time has once again escaped us. Today, I applied for graduate school. I have been thinking about it for sometime. About a decade ago, I applied for a Masters Degree in Social Work and got denied. At the time, I was serving teh homeless community in the beautiful state of Florida. As time as progressed and now I have my beautiful daughter: I think of the work hours and what would better fit, plus still something that I could make a difference. I considered to do counseling, but it was a longer process and with having a toddler, I have to be considerate of time. I then applied for Special Education to focus on being a Dignostican. I love working with this population and to help others learn. This will also give me the hours that I can still go home and spend time with my daughter. At one point, I was really considering counseling, but I had a situation shake me some time ago that happened with my cousin I was close to. I have a cousin, who is one year older than me, that suffered from being addicted to alchol and drug. Long story short, he was found and basically due to his brain and body, has lost most of his memory and sight due to overdose type situation. When I heard about this, it kind of broke me. He was adopted as a child and we spent summers together playing in the yard. These summers were filled with sprinklers being kept on, laughter, and late night slumber parties. I think about him often, how he will have to live in a home for the rest of his life. I pray God will one day heal him because I miss our conversations. I miss him calling me, "EC," and laughing. As the holidays continue to approach, I feel it is important to remember all we have and not always what we lost. It is sometimes easier said then done, but we are all blessed.

Holidays

About two weeks ago, I went for the first time camping with my book club friends. It was a very pleasurable experience as we spent time together by hiking, telling stories, eating vegan food and playing random games. It was my first time camping and it was a trip I had looked forward to. When you are parenting solo, sometimes the smallest things alone, can be the greatest vacation. Don't get me wrong: I love my daughter. She is my world, but it is nice to be in nature. The trip was very short as we were there from Friday and then left on Sunday. I then had the upcoming week off for Thanksgiving break. The holidays are often hard. This is the first year I am seen as offically being "divorced," and the emotions still are high. I know this is normal I believe for the first couple of years. Now we are in December, and this week has been hard. Work, is going good, even though its not easy teaching during an pandemic, but I love my students. They bring me such joy. I have to say that I might have cried almost every day this week. I felt myself kind of shutting down. When December hits, it reminds me of my anniversary of my wedding. I know the focus of the month is not on this, but I did get married on December 17th. It brings back those emotions, memories, and everything I went through. I think also that feeling of loliness appears. This week I talked to my coworker about affection/feelings and when we receive them. She stated coming out of an abusive relationship we crave for that attention. To be honest, that is exactly how I feel. Its hard to not focus on this concept (which to be honest I pray about daily). I think because for the last several years, it got to the point, when my ex left for work, no goodbye was really said, no kiss was barely given, no, "How was your day?" when I got home. I am not used to any of this attention, but when it is given, I find myself locked or drawn to whoever or whatever is getting it. It is so painful to have been treated this certain way. It is also hard because I feel that men of our society do not have the same morals,beliefs or wants. As the holidays are coming closer, I find myself praying that my heart continued to be healed with trying to reflect on the positive.

Truth

Sometimes it is important to take a step back and realize the truth in things and people. The kind of person I am, I have not always liked hearing or viewing the truth. This week I felt like I really had to face it again. As I am planning for a camping trip, that I scheduled as soon as I heard about it: I worked hard on sorting out the whole childcare issues. My daughter's dad, could truthfully care less about her. In his mind he focuses that I have full custody and get (minimum) child support. To him he feels that this displays being a father and sees her one day now other weekend. What hurts the most about all of this, is he has no feelings of remorse. He does not realize how hard it is to be a teacher, plus how I manage my other jobs. He does not see a lot of the pain he has caused and only what he wants. Lately I have been listening to specific songs that have touched me such as: "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me I love the lyrics such as: "Surrounded by Your glory/What will my heart feel." Truthfully I play this song when I wake up at my crazy hours in the morning or whenever I feel frustrated. This song was dedicated (by my moms former students) when my grandma passed away of cancer. This song also reminds me of her and how strong she was. She lived pretty much an entire decade without my grandpa. It reminded me of how strong I am and how much it is a process of healing and growth. Despite it being a pandemic, the truth is: I have seen good. This academic school year, I truly am honored by the students in my class. I also have reconnected with someone special/important to me from high school. I have had a roommate since September that brings me lots of laughs and we have fun and randomness together. I also am blessed with a wonderful best friend, who despite driving her crazy by my stubborness, she has taught me a lot. I write this because I might be what society or often times myself labels a "single mom," but I see it as more of a Super mom and as my daughter having the right influence. It is not an easy process though. It is a constant battle, but the truth of it all is to see the gratitude.

Phases

It is shocking that we are halfways done with October and almost done with the first nine weeks of school. I am thankful to have the opportunity to see the students I see on campus. Despite the gratitude I feel, life seems like Groundhog Day at times. Most mornings I wake up early so I can manage to teach anywhere between three to four classes to kids in China. This opportunity is something I enjoy, but I have to manage my time efficently. Often times, my sparkling eyed and hyper two year old wakes up with me. I find myself praying internally, "Please God let her sleep," as I have to navigate teaching them virtually and sometimes holding her in my lap. At times the camera is positioned where the students and parents cannot see her, but that does not always stop her early morning cries. It is kind of a walk of preservance. As I get through the classes, I average seven minutes of break in between where I find myself getting her ready for daycare, cleaning some of the house, and eating breakfast. Don't get me wrong: Often times the floor is sticky due to her having a splash fest with the juice box or getting mad and throwing her snack. Though there are times where is she is content and enjoying her Ipad as I pray that she is quiet so I can teach. This week as I dropped her off to daycare the director told me she often falls asleep in the morning for about an hour because she is tired. I had to once again explain to her that I have to work two jobs. She explains, "I understand," Sometimes it is hard to deal with the feelings of not meeting expectations of a parent. I know she should get more sleep, but at the same time, I can't leave her alone when I teach online to kids overseas. It is kind of a battle. I had to let it go. Overall, it seems that as a single parent you run into various things and occurances. Sometime ago, I had to break down and once again delete the dating apps. I had to have my best friend and my sister in law hold me accountable of taking a break from those. Some people have luck on them, but for me, I seem to find the real, "winners." I found some men were not educated, too sexual in the beginning, or I had one guy that went straight to the marriage talk. I had to explain to him that I just got out of a (almost) six year marriage and that yes, I want to be married (again), but this time for things to be done correctly. I also had to tell him that I was an independent woman. Some guys might find this attractive, while others find this as an occurance of using you or wanting to use you (in terms of money matters). I decided that putting my faith in God, which is not always easy, to direct me to who I should be with. There are things currently I am deep in prayer about and know he hears.
As the school I teach at phases into opening up completely for students to come back to; my heart is slowly opening up to new opportunities. Often time it still feels broken, but I am thankful for all the people that have been placed into my life. It really is phases.

Risk Taker

So one thing that I seem to experience is being a risk taker. I have realized the hard way, taking risks can come with good and bad consequences. With this, I continue to work on my self confidence. My self confidence or self worth has never been very high. I think I have let circumstances and people define who I am. Now, I am trying to work harder at this. I have tried or am trying the whole possibilty of dating (as it is experienced online). I started it around the holidays of 2019 and have kind of recently opened it back up again. But to be honest, I am not good at it. I think i think too deeply and misread people. I also do not understand this whole swipe left or right process. Some of peoples profiles are too much. They might not spell correctly, have some weird pictures and the list could continue. Then it is their whole communication style. Do they only write one word? Or is what they say interesting? Do they have any values? To be honest, I have never dated. All my past relationships I met at work or through friends. So I am totally clueless. Now since it is my daughter and I, it is a package deal. They have to understand that. They also have to understand my heart still hurts. And I know this is a process. Because truly all I want is someone loving, patient, provider, has their Faith and open in their communication. Many people can be anyone online, which I also have learned the hard way. I guess life is a constant learning experience.

Transitions

So I have not written in some time. I realized it last week at my birthday dinner when my good friend brought it up. In mid July my divorce was finalized and thankfully we did not have to go to court. It was a process between the lawyers and only wanting what was best for my daughter. It was hard because I felt he was more focused about the process of money and less on the love of our daughter. It brings me to the point, that I guess life is a process. There is not a road map or easy way to deal with things. He was not the person to be honest that I thought he was. Despite it all, its a new beginning. I have to say that trust is an issue that I have to work through. As a single mom, your life is different. Your focus becomes around caring for your child(ren) (in my case child) and providing. It is hard to stop and think about other things sometimes because you often feel caught up in survival mode. Like, will I have enough gas in my car today? Will she be okay to stay at daycare longer (my work hours are different this year). Will she one day question this situation? I feel after what I have been through its hard to look at marriage and the process of children the same. Sometimes I find myself wondering: Did I do something wrong? I am a good and kind person: What did I do to deserve this? I guess this is the part of grief. I always try to enjoy all the moments I have with her. But it is hard because I dont have a lot of time to myself. It also is hard because if people want to go out and so forth, I don't always have a lot of help. Today during one of the many trainings we had at my workplace we talked about trauma and how it is seen in many forms. It can be neglect, physical and so forth. Going through the training I kept thinking that verbal abuse has just as an effect on people. Sometimes words can really hurt, especially when it is a person you trusted. With her dad he was very verbal. I held a lot of it inside because I wanted it all to "appear normal." He criticized what I wore often (clothing), how I did my parenting, the makeup I put on, and sometimes I was asked not to wear certain jewelry (like my cross necklace). I felt a part of me died when we were married. Like I was suffocated and had to keep things together. Some people do not get it too. They speculate or think their own specific ways of thinking. One thing I am learning is to value yourself. Yes, a lesson you should always have. But to truly appreciate yourself, because no one can do it for you. I wanted to make sure my daughter grew up in a happy home and a safe environment and knew she was loved. I realized that this picture might look different to us now. Sometimes it does make me mad when people can not say the truth and be real. Or how sometimes our picture of a happy marriage and what you deserve is crushed. There is no guide book to things in life (oh how I wish there was), but it is really holding on to faith.