Holidays

About two weeks ago, I went for the first time camping with my book club friends. It was a very pleasurable experience as we spent time together by hiking, telling stories, eating vegan food and playing random games. It was my first time camping and it was a trip I had looked forward to. When you are parenting solo, sometimes the smallest things alone, can be the greatest vacation. Don't get me wrong: I love my daughter. She is my world, but it is nice to be in nature. The trip was very short as we were there from Friday and then left on Sunday. I then had the upcoming week off for Thanksgiving break. The holidays are often hard. This is the first year I am seen as offically being "divorced," and the emotions still are high. I know this is normal I believe for the first couple of years. Now we are in December, and this week has been hard. Work, is going good, even though its not easy teaching during an pandemic, but I love my students. They bring me such joy. I have to say that I might have cried almost every day this week. I felt myself kind of shutting down. When December hits, it reminds me of my anniversary of my wedding. I know the focus of the month is not on this, but I did get married on December 17th. It brings back those emotions, memories, and everything I went through. I think also that feeling of loliness appears. This week I talked to my coworker about affection/feelings and when we receive them. She stated coming out of an abusive relationship we crave for that attention. To be honest, that is exactly how I feel. Its hard to not focus on this concept (which to be honest I pray about daily). I think because for the last several years, it got to the point, when my ex left for work, no goodbye was really said, no kiss was barely given, no, "How was your day?" when I got home. I am not used to any of this attention, but when it is given, I find myself locked or drawn to whoever or whatever is getting it. It is so painful to have been treated this certain way. It is also hard because I feel that men of our society do not have the same morals,beliefs or wants. As the holidays are coming closer, I find myself praying that my heart continued to be healed with trying to reflect on the positive.