Almost Christmas

Today offically marks the 23rd, which means it is two days before Christmas. 2020 has been a difficult year for many. We are still in a pandemic and having to figure out ways to survive the best we can. Its hard in the sense I miss larger social gatherings, going places mask less, concerts and not worrying about the issue of germs. As mentioned before, the holidays are hard for me, just like they are hard for people who can't see their families or those whose loved ones are sick or have lost them.Today I stopped by the park, as I am in a richy part of San Antonio. The skinny and beautiful moms were playing with their kids. I found myself in my car eating Whaterburger (which lol I should not be eating) and then of course the tears came. You have to realize I love being a mom. My daughter is my world. I look at her and thank God for a special gift and miracle. Although my love for her continues and will be strong: I feel pain. I feel it mostly in my heart everday. This pain is sometimes unbearable and cannot let it dictate me. I think of the weather and how it allows us to do and not do stuff: that is how this pain feels. By now I imagined my life differently and felt as if I did most of my life right. It is hard not to compare your life to your surroundings or what you desire. I desire to still have a family and more children. I have to get my one ovary I have checked ever few months and they ask: What is your plan? I say now, well, you know I am divorced, but still want a child. It is so frustrating because I feel my body is like a bomb about to explode often. Like I will not get that chance. It is a constant battle I have with God where this fear takes over. It is so frustrating because I know people have it worse. This time around though, I do not want to settle. I feel my self confidence/self doubt has allowed me to not think highly of myself. But I know God does. He sees me as his daughter. Despite my stubborness, disobedience, and all I have done he still loves me. He has my life planned out so techically I should not fear. I should not cry, worry or compare myself. He makes the darkness into light.