February

Last week, on the morning of February 17th, my dad, who was 73 years old passed away. He got diagnosed with a heart condition at an older age. About a decade ago, he had two open heart surgeries. One was located in San Antonio, Tx and the second one took place in Austin, Tx. My dad's theory was always you can never predict things in life. He was angry because of his heart situation, but did the best with it. At the time of his second surgery, we had to postpone my parents 40th wedding anniversary. We did celebrate it at a later time. The last time I saw my dad was on a Sunday. I went to go spend time with my parents every Sunday. We ate together and often watched Hallmark movies. Despite the fake, but fun plot of Hallmark, we had a good time seeing different scenary and places we have not ever seen before. I sat with him in his bedroom as he sat on the rocker and he told me to not always be in school (since I love going to school and getting my Master's degree) and to spend time with my daughter. He also said that not to overdue it. I remember looking at him as he was discolored from the infusions he had gotten and a blood vessel in his eye burst. It was disheartening seeing him like that. I could tell he was so uncomfortable and struggling. This last week, we had this crazy winter storm in Texas. My dad was in the hospital for like two weeks at this point and was hard to make it to see him because I was scared to drive. My mom was taken by the neighbor to see him. The last day she was there I called her and she put him on speaker phone. He was hoarse and very week. My dad (for once in his life) did not want to eat and was on oxygen. I knew at this point his body was shutting down and I had to remain strong, but my eyes filled with tears because I knew it would be hard to see him due to the storm, but also that his time on Earth was soon coming up. Following his passing, the issues of grief were in my heart. It is one thing to be a single mom and have overcome the grief of not having a husband, but losing your dad: is a whole other feeling. Every morning (when I was at my moms) that I woke up, I felt my dad would be there because he always woke up early like I did. He would tell help me get the milk for Hanna (every since her birth) or often held her. I felt a piece of my heart was missing when I could not see him. My dad and her had a special bond, that no one could break. Since she is so young, it is hard to explain why grandpa is not there. It was a blessing that many people reached out. Often times I wanted to isolate myself, but had to tell myself to "get it together." This is a process of healing when you lose a parent. I understand death is part of life, but also hard. It is also hard because I wish that more people would be honest. I have learned that some people might not understand how to handle certain emotions.