Transitions

So I have not written in some time. I realized it last week at my birthday dinner when my good friend brought it up. In mid July my divorce was finalized and thankfully we did not have to go to court. It was a process between the lawyers and only wanting what was best for my daughter. It was hard because I felt he was more focused about the process of money and less on the love of our daughter. It brings me to the point, that I guess life is a process. There is not a road map or easy way to deal with things. He was not the person to be honest that I thought he was. Despite it all, its a new beginning. I have to say that trust is an issue that I have to work through. As a single mom, your life is different. Your focus becomes around caring for your child(ren) (in my case child) and providing. It is hard to stop and think about other things sometimes because you often feel caught up in survival mode. Like, will I have enough gas in my car today? Will she be okay to stay at daycare longer (my work hours are different this year). Will she one day question this situation? I feel after what I have been through its hard to look at marriage and the process of children the same. Sometimes I find myself wondering: Did I do something wrong? I am a good and kind person: What did I do to deserve this? I guess this is the part of grief. I always try to enjoy all the moments I have with her. But it is hard because I dont have a lot of time to myself. It also is hard because if people want to go out and so forth, I don't always have a lot of help. Today during one of the many trainings we had at my workplace we talked about trauma and how it is seen in many forms. It can be neglect, physical and so forth. Going through the training I kept thinking that verbal abuse has just as an effect on people. Sometimes words can really hurt, especially when it is a person you trusted. With her dad he was very verbal. I held a lot of it inside because I wanted it all to "appear normal." He criticized what I wore often (clothing), how I did my parenting, the makeup I put on, and sometimes I was asked not to wear certain jewelry (like my cross necklace). I felt a part of me died when we were married. Like I was suffocated and had to keep things together. Some people do not get it too. They speculate or think their own specific ways of thinking. One thing I am learning is to value yourself. Yes, a lesson you should always have. But to truly appreciate yourself, because no one can do it for you. I wanted to make sure my daughter grew up in a happy home and a safe environment and knew she was loved. I realized that this picture might look different to us now. Sometimes it does make me mad when people can not say the truth and be real. Or how sometimes our picture of a happy marriage and what you deserve is crushed. There is no guide book to things in life (oh how I wish there was), but it is really holding on to faith.