Finding Strength

Every Saturday I pray with my best friend from South Carolina. It allows us to open up to each other about difficult issues and also to pray for one another. She has been such a blessing to me, especially during this difficult season. This weekend my anxiety and stress has been an all time high as I have recited the Serinity prayer. After all this time, my exhusband hired a lawyer as we are finally going to court in June. It is hard to hold back the emotions, despite my faith and strong and willing attitude. Often times, especially yesterday, my choices, have caught up with me. There were certain things I noticed about him early on and in our marriage (personality traits) I should have been more aware of. Its hard now because all I want is the best life for my daughter. Yesterday, as I taught my ESL job, I recited the prayer and have been trying to calm down my stress. I have to find strength in the lord during this time of uncertainity. I also have to continue to be strong. It is not an easy task right now.

Overcomer

So yesterday I had to take my gallbladder out. I knew it was something that had to be done due to the symptoms I have been experiencing and with also having a huge gallstone inside of it. As I told a good friend of mine I am in the process of getting rid of things. I got rid of a lot after I asked for the divorce. I let go of many memories to remove them from the environment. I felt that it is best to start over. I also got rid of a lot of pictures we had together and am in the process of healing. Yesterday as I was in the hospital I kept thinking of one of my favorite songs by Mandisa, "Overcomer." In the song the lyrics that stand out to me are: "Cause God is holding you right now/You might be down for a moment." I felt like this tied into a lot of what I experienced over this last year. I was broken in the start of the school year. In July when I was soon about to take my test, I had given my soon to be ex-husband a gift. The gift was a bracelet from a copper store located downtown. There they make unique jewelry. When I gave him the bracelet I still remember writing a letter saying, "I know I am not perfect, but I love you." I was hoping that this bracelet would bring him joy. Instead of a gift back I received a letter saying, "I am sorry I do not love you anymore and I cannot take the gift." I felt broken. I remember feeling all alone and not sure who to call and who would understand? My emotions were deep as we were about to buy a house together and had a one year old...In my mind I was hoping for a much better reaction. God though was with me then and is with me now. You go through these moments of sadness and despair. You think if you are able to do this? But you are. With this whole process, I have been trying my best and hardest to remove things and situations that are unhealthy in my life. It gets tiring when you are hurting. Its tiring when you come home to someone who does not love you. And everyone deserves BETTER. I want to end with some lyrics of Mandias's that says: " You're not going under." :)

Mother's Day

Mother's Day As we are approaching the weekend of Mother's Day: it is so important to remember the gratitude of such a day. Moms come in so many ways such as animal moms, grandmothers, soon to be moms, moms waiting, mothers who have adopted their beautiful children and the list goes on. With it being Teacher Appreciation week, everyone who is a teacher, technically is a mom. They helped allow the students know they are appreciated and loved. They also are constantly there to support them on a five days a week basis. My mom is such a joy and so important to me in my life. She has taught me to never give up, to forgive others, to always love and to have fun. Still to this day, she will bring me a meal to enjoy with my daughter when she makes extra. Her heart is so full of love and I have found that important to be like that in my life. Also to show that to my daughter. Although Mother's Day might be hard for many who have lost their mom or loved one that filled they role. It also will be hard for those that are waiting to be moms. Know that God has a plan for you. As I continue to read about prayer and to practice it: It is so important to know God will give you your desires. Know you are not alone. ❤️

The Power of Words and Items

The Power of Words and Items With being mostly stuck indoors, I have done a lot of cleaning. When I was with my daughters dad: I felt the one bedroom apartment was so cluttered. Recently, I was tired of seeing some clutter in my new home. Also, I wanted to be free of many memories/items I had to start fresh. Yesterday I had six small white garbage bags filled with clothes to donate and one black garbage bag. Since many places are not accepting donations I gave it to one of those clothing boxes in the parking lot of YMCA. It's such a liberating experience. I also hope as I donate these items other people can wear them or use them for job interviews. With being stuck mainly inside, I have tried to walk more. I love the neighborhoood I now live in. I don't have to worry about seeing domestic violence (or hearing it) or also kids doing things they are not supposed to. Sure, this could occur, but I don't feel I live in an environment of fear. As I walked yesterday, I thought about how words have such power. I try my best to think before I speak to my daughter. Even when I am mad, I feel I have to close my eyes and reflect and pray before I say something that I will regret. When I was with her dad, we had good and bad times. His words though really hurt me. I am walking and working on deeply forgiving him, especially the period of time, after our daughter was born. I remember one day laying in bed still recovering from the birth and asked him to help with her. She was crying due to hunger, but I was still weak due to all that happened. I still remember his words,"I did not want this (in reference to kids I assume, etc." We both early on wanted kids, but seemed the responsibility was not what he expected. I remember my heart and stomach hurt. There were many other things he said that were painful. Often times people have no idea what this does to people. It really hurts them or other people around them. I feel it's so important (not easy) when we get mad or sad to pray before we say something we will regret. ❤️

Waiting

Waiting During this time of quarantine, it has been a time of patience for all of us. Waiting is not an easy task for me. I feel that I have had to wait, pray and reinforce all positive aspects. Some days in life are just hard. We pray, show gratification to God, do what we are supposed to, but there might be conflict that still arises. Today I finally received notice that on June 16, I will have my divorce hearing. I officially asked for the divorce back in October and filed at the end of the month or early November with the lawyer. Since he did not agree to it, it was pushed back and then we have Covid. There has been so many obstacles that have taken place. All I can say is divorce is not easy. It has lots of of emotions, money, pain on all areas, but at the same time: It has showed me that myself and my daughter can move on. Since last week she has had a hard time with daycare. Since I teach through distance learning I am luckily still allowed to take her to daycare. She has cried at school, said daddy, and had issues with eating. This is the first time I have seen her sad. Today, this happened again so I am doing my best to work on our night time routine. I have been praying that she finds peace amongst the confusion of figuring out the whole dad situation. She also has had some night terrors. Once again my emotions get hit. Being a single parent is HARD. You are a superhero trying to navigate raising a child and also hold your sanity with work and all situations. Her dad sees her once a week, if even for 8 to 9 hours. I try to manage my calendar the best I can. It's hard when people make comments to you telling you what is helpful and you are sometimes trying to survive. Thankfully, I am blessed with a positive and loving family, friends and a wonderful church. Money has been tight lately due to various situations that have taken place. Today, there was many blessings that took place. My church helped and bought us groceries. I was scared because my stimulus check was delayed and I am having to pay for various things. The wonderful friend from my church in her message wrote how much they loved us. That message spoke volume. Often in the day I am trying to navigate working from my normal weekly job, plus my side jobs, helping with my family, staying active with my church and raising and providing for my daughter.Such moments of love and peace remind me God is here. He has not left us through these hard times. He is there when I am praying or trying to hold back tears. He also reminds us that peace is possible. It does exist. Despite waiting for this divorce to finally be officially and the hardships of being a parent solo, I am so grateful to God. Through this, I have learned that true and loving people are around us. Also, that everyone deserves the best. I prayed about my marriage for so long. Finally starting this past summer, I told the Lord, I can't do this anymore. He loved me and understood.

Celebration of my Daughter

Celebration of my daughter Yesterday my sweet and feisty girl turned 2. I normally don't share my story of pregnancy and the birth of her, but I hope it will shape others hearts and minds. I got married at the age of 30. To make a long story short, I wanted to wait on the first year or so to not have a child. We tried and nothing would happen and was given the notice to go see a fertility doctor. I knew in my heart something was wrong. When I first got married, they noticed I had a possible cyst in my female area. Well at the age of 33, the fertility specialist told me that I had to see an oncologist after I had scans done. She called me during the daytime and I knew it was bad. The oncologist said I had to have one of my ovaries removed immediately. I then had the surgery around two days later. I cried because all I wanted was a family. It was hard to go to baby showers or see birth announcements because I could not get pregnant. I tried various approaches. It ends up I had a tumor embedded in my ovary that after I had the surgery it seemed that was cancerous. I remember crying in the doctors office. So I am kind of the emotional type. He told me that I should consider adoption. Soon after the surgery, by the miracle of God, I was pregnant. For such a long time, I prayed. I had my church, friends and family praying with me. During my first trimester I starting hemorrhaging when I was teaching. I thought I was having a miscarriage. I had to call for an emergency in my classroom and drive to the obgyn office. I was put on a medication that was to help. I had to have "pelvic rest" as much as I can. I was so scared I was going to loose my child. Later in the pregnancy I got hit with gestational diabetes. Long story short, I had some complications giving birth. I had to have an emergency c section. After I got home, I got very sick. I had to go back to the hospital and was there for two weeks. It seemed by intestines were "nicked" and I also had to have another surgery. The bile and other factors were rising up and I had trouble breathing. I remember praying: God please let me live. I want to be with my daughter. I lost 40 pounds after this and had be on a liquid diet for a long time.My parents were so heaven sent and helped me with my daughter so I could be in the hospital. Later on I had to have another surgery for my umbilical hernia. So as I celebrated my daughters birthday yesterday: I thought about how much I love her. My love for her grows every day. I went through a lot to have her, but she is the biggest blessing.

Yesterday

Yesterday Due to the situation of the virus, a good majority of us live in constant worry and fear. When I took a break from teaching, I worked in the medical field for around six years. I stayed in it when I returned, but wanting to be more supportive to my family at the time: I put in my notice and left it. I cried tears when I left the field. I remember turning in my two week notice to my boss and I was crying like a baby. I loved my coworkers so much and all the adults and kids I took care of. The shifts were always 12 hours and often times you could find yourself hoping and wondering if the patients will get better. Many often did, but there were some that did not. I went into the medical field after working as a receptionist at a assisted living place. During that year, my dad also had two open heart surgeries. We found out he was born with a heart condition, but was later diagnosed in his late adulthood. Also, at that time I choose to take a break from teaching after having a difficult based year. So that brings me to yesterday. On Friday I could hardly drive as I had to get my car jump started and I could not turn the steering wheel. I took it to the mechanic and the charges are close to 3,000. The whole electrical steering wheel had gone out. It has been the third time I had to fix it in a month worth of time. My dad and I thought about getting a new car. Although, I am kind of in a hole financially and don't want to get more into the hole. I decided to get it fixed. I talked to my coworker yesterday and told me how I am really trying to make better choices. I explained to him that it is also hard because my exhusband will not sign the divorce decree. I feel everything has been prolonged this year in many ways. I cried tears to him on the phone and told him: I am really trying. Things just keep happening. Later that night he sent me a video that really inspired me on thinking. It was based on how many (or all people) around us are going through different things. The video focused on how we think and what we put our mind on. It was inspiring to watch it. I think about all the healthcare workers working so hard through this pandemic crisis we face. I also think of the people that have lost loved ones out there. Or the families who lost their jobs, can barely make ends meet, or are unsure of what to do in their situation. I am so grateful to all the medical professionals and to society who has come together for the greater good. Yesterday really shaped me.❤️

To Not Be Anxious

To not be anxious This week one of the ladies from my new church called me in terms of my prayer request. She told me that many people shut down when they pray for certain things like I do. I told her that it has been a process for me and described the situation. After we talked, she stated it's okay to reach out. She told me to save her number and to reach out to her. I have asked her for prayer as we are in "crisis" mode in the world. She reminded me of the famous verse, "To not be anxious for anything. "She told me anytime my mind wanders to focus on God's word and listen to worship." Through the whole social distancing thing has been hard. It's just my daughter and I. I find myself missing having other adults around. It's also hard sometimes because I am so grateful for my family (parents, siblings, cousins, etc) but it's hard not to have the family that I planned.I love my daughter with all my heart, but had hoped for a husband that was always there present, who was social, who cared for others and would do anything for his family. Today I spoke with my cousin I am closest to. She told me, "You will find love again." And told me how my life is not over yet. It pretty much brought tears to my eyes. It's not easy when your life shifts or goes a different road then you planned. I have to remember God has something better in store. Sometimes passing through the pain is a process. Many people do not understand. They might judge you or think negative of you, but we are all human and make mistakes. God loves us anyway. ❤️

Love Your Neighbor

Love your Neighbor As a single parent who is trying to make the most out of every situation: it is so important to: Love your Neighbor. My pastor talked about this on Sunday as I watched church online live. Yesterday, I gave my wonderful friend some baby stuff from my daughter. Her sweet baby will be born in June. I don't always have the money to give, but try to be generous with my time and what I do have. I also realized through being on my own and "flying solo" that there are things you can purge. This week I had an incredible experience at McDonalds. I know it's not always the healthiest place for me to eat, but it's the main drive through by where I live. As I went there the worker, who I know and love, gave me some extra nuggets ( my obsession) as I was with my niece. I had to sit and wait as they prepared the fish sandwiches. The manager then came out and said that since I had to wait for so long, that my next meal is on "us." For an average individual: this may seem like nothing, but for a single parent or anyone who struggles to make ends meet: What a blessing. This week has been difficult as I am waiting on a check to go through. My bank account unfortunately is under 50.00. I am sharing this to be real. I see so much more value in things now. I know that this may be a more difficult season, but it will soon come to pass. It is so important to love on people. God has given so much to us, that we really, truly can share. ❤️ Therefore, love your neighbor. Yes, it's not easy, but so important.

Proud Moments

Proud moments Although life is difficult when you are parenting solo; there are those proud mom moments. I am so thankful for all the people we have in our lives like my parents, church, friends and family. It really does take a village. I am also very thankful for her home daycare. They have really been an encouragement and have taught her a lot. Today as I am in process of potty training; she went in her own toilet by herself. She is at the stage where she is obsessed with the bathroom. I was so proud of her as she will be two in April. She also can say her, Abcs and count 1-10. I will be honest, since I am it, primarily, I have slacked on some things due to having to grade, being exhausted and so forth. My precious girl always reminds me of how amazing she is. Despite what we have gone through, her smile, laughter and bossiness: is the biggest blessing. ❤️

God Guiding my Heart

God guiding my heart I don't want to post a lot of things that happened in my marriage due to our privacy, but the last two years or so were the hardest. As my prayers got more deep and specific because my goal was to save it and be a family: I felt that we grew more distant. Within those years, I felt God pulling on my heart. I remember asking him for the divorce and feeling like God saying: "You did all you could." After I asked for such a thing, I remember the next morning: the sky was so beautiful in color. It was like God's reassurance saying it was okay. When I moved out on my own back in October, I shortly found a beautiful church called Grace Avenue. I loved the diversity of the people there and all the people I have met and encountered. Once again I felt God saying your going to be okay. I have been part of a freedom group the last couple of weeks and has changed me. I am in the process of forgiveness because there is no point of holding on to a grudge. I also know God needs to be the center of my life and all future relationships.

Holding Two jobs and Flying SOLO

Holding two jobs and flying solo Since my divorce is not yet finished and I run on a teachers salary: money is often tight. I hold everything for value. Like Everything. I now find myself stashing the napkins given by the local fast food and restaurant chains because I do not know when will be the next time I can make it to the store. I also find myself seriously valuing things not just money (like time is so important). This academic school year I have been in some tight places financially. I normally send some money on my students, but it's been rough. I hold two jobs to make ends meet. I feel like superwoman most of the time. In the morning, like everyday I wake up around 4 am to teach kids from China. I love the job so much, but it is a battle when my daughter wakes up. I find myself having to embrace her tears as I am trying to wrap up the class. I normally teach like 3, 28 to 30 minute classes every morning. I then if my daughter is still sleeping, wake her up. Following this, I get her ready for daycare. If she wakes up early; I find myself praying since the parents are not like Americans ( no offense) and are more determined about their child's education. It is never easy, but I manage to do it. I try to value what sleep I do have and get. It's not been easy, but I do my best. I only want the best for her and I.

Personal Care and flying Solo

Personal Care and Flying solo Being alone and having to work out the kinks of managing how to embrace it all is not easy especially when it comes to personal care. My mom always worries when she knows that I will be taking an extended bath/shower and my discharge is on her own. I have a routine set in place. I normally put my daughter in front of a cartoon and make sure nothing is of course dangerous around her. I put her on the middle of the bed ( for fear of falling) and leave the bathroom door open. My showers are normally like two minutes (no joke, lol) but when I take a bath I am like five to ten minutes. Half the time I pray that the house stays in one piece, lol. I kind of have to laugh about it or fear of tears. Luckily, I have been able to do it smoothly, but it's hard work. Sometimes the little things like putting condition in your hair and shaving your legs (as sad as it sounds) is like heaven. Haha

Attending Events and Flying Solo

Flying solo and having to attend events When I was married and due to scheduling; I often times had my daughter and it was just her and I. It was never easy to attend things that were of interest at times or things I would do before having a kid. There was a time that always stands out in my mind when I went to this church function. It was for missionary trips. There I was holding down my not even one year old as I tried to kindly hold the brownies. It ended up being at a church that was "more fancy." I remember siting with this young married couple as she held my daughter so I could get a plate to eat. Here I was at this church event and allowing a stranger to hold my daughter. I was so hungry from a day of being busy and spending time with my family, that I did not think of what was happening in front of me. I remember trying to compose myself as I was doing my best to listen to what was being discussed. I remember not being able to stay much for the event and knew it was time to go. The feelings of sadness of being did linger, but was happy at this event I got time to eat.

Emotions and Flying Solo

Emotions and flying solo Being a parent is never easy. Sometime I remember watching my parents as a child and not understand why they would be upset with me. Although, now, I get it. There were often times in the journey of being alone as a parent where I cried. When the process orginally started, in terms of the divorce and the busy time of being a teacher and maintaining high performance; I felt like a volcano about to erupt. There were times this academic school year that I had to just cry. I cried in the bathroom, I cried in the teachers lounge, I cried in the outside of the school, in the principal office, in the classroom and in my car. I CRIED. Although, I have learned, there is nothing wrong with crying. It is better to release it, then hold it on. I cried because I wanted my students to be successful, I cried because I did not know where my life was headed with my daughter, and I cried because I felt like a failure. I learned, I am not a failure. God loves me despite what I have gone through and only wants the best for me. He wanted me and is still guiding me to be in a happy marriage ( in time). He knows my hearts desires of wanting a family and how much I love my daughter. He also knows it is okay to express my emotions. It's Normal.

Spring Break 2020

Spring Break 2020 Today as I dropped off my almost two year old daughter at daycare, the daycare home provider asked: Aren't you in Spring Break? Are you working. I explained to her that it is just my daughter and I in the household. I also teach online in the mornings. She stated, "Most of my teachers drop off their kids at 8:30 during the break. I stated again kindly: It is just me and her. I felt guilty as I dropped off as it was 715am. This gives me the time to do things I normally can't do. Then I realized, many people don't understand what it is like to parent alone. They do not understand unless they are in this situation. I wanted to cry at that moment. I felt this way because I see all the other parents in the afternoon that seem to have this "normal" home. Although I have realized no home is normal and perfect. God gives you peace in all circumstances, but takes time to navigate.