Truth

Sometimes it is important to take a step back and realize the truth in things and people. The kind of person I am, I have not always liked hearing or viewing the truth. This week I felt like I really had to face it again. As I am planning for a camping trip, that I scheduled as soon as I heard about it: I worked hard on sorting out the whole childcare issues. My daughter's dad, could truthfully care less about her. In his mind he focuses that I have full custody and get (minimum) child support. To him he feels that this displays being a father and sees her one day now other weekend. What hurts the most about all of this, is he has no feelings of remorse. He does not realize how hard it is to be a teacher, plus how I manage my other jobs. He does not see a lot of the pain he has caused and only what he wants. Lately I have been listening to specific songs that have touched me such as: "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me I love the lyrics such as: "Surrounded by Your glory/What will my heart feel." Truthfully I play this song when I wake up at my crazy hours in the morning or whenever I feel frustrated. This song was dedicated (by my moms former students) when my grandma passed away of cancer. This song also reminds me of her and how strong she was. She lived pretty much an entire decade without my grandpa. It reminded me of how strong I am and how much it is a process of healing and growth. Despite it being a pandemic, the truth is: I have seen good. This academic school year, I truly am honored by the students in my class. I also have reconnected with someone special/important to me from high school. I have had a roommate since September that brings me lots of laughs and we have fun and randomness together. I also am blessed with a wonderful best friend, who despite driving her crazy by my stubborness, she has taught me a lot. I write this because I might be what society or often times myself labels a "single mom," but I see it as more of a Super mom and as my daughter having the right influence. It is not an easy process though. It is a constant battle, but the truth of it all is to see the gratitude.

Phases

It is shocking that we are halfways done with October and almost done with the first nine weeks of school. I am thankful to have the opportunity to see the students I see on campus. Despite the gratitude I feel, life seems like Groundhog Day at times. Most mornings I wake up early so I can manage to teach anywhere between three to four classes to kids in China. This opportunity is something I enjoy, but I have to manage my time efficently. Often times, my sparkling eyed and hyper two year old wakes up with me. I find myself praying internally, "Please God let her sleep," as I have to navigate teaching them virtually and sometimes holding her in my lap. At times the camera is positioned where the students and parents cannot see her, but that does not always stop her early morning cries. It is kind of a walk of preservance. As I get through the classes, I average seven minutes of break in between where I find myself getting her ready for daycare, cleaning some of the house, and eating breakfast. Don't get me wrong: Often times the floor is sticky due to her having a splash fest with the juice box or getting mad and throwing her snack. Though there are times where is she is content and enjoying her Ipad as I pray that she is quiet so I can teach. This week as I dropped her off to daycare the director told me she often falls asleep in the morning for about an hour because she is tired. I had to once again explain to her that I have to work two jobs. She explains, "I understand," Sometimes it is hard to deal with the feelings of not meeting expectations of a parent. I know she should get more sleep, but at the same time, I can't leave her alone when I teach online to kids overseas. It is kind of a battle. I had to let it go. Overall, it seems that as a single parent you run into various things and occurances. Sometime ago, I had to break down and once again delete the dating apps. I had to have my best friend and my sister in law hold me accountable of taking a break from those. Some people have luck on them, but for me, I seem to find the real, "winners." I found some men were not educated, too sexual in the beginning, or I had one guy that went straight to the marriage talk. I had to explain to him that I just got out of a (almost) six year marriage and that yes, I want to be married (again), but this time for things to be done correctly. I also had to tell him that I was an independent woman. Some guys might find this attractive, while others find this as an occurance of using you or wanting to use you (in terms of money matters). I decided that putting my faith in God, which is not always easy, to direct me to who I should be with. There are things currently I am deep in prayer about and know he hears.
As the school I teach at phases into opening up completely for students to come back to; my heart is slowly opening up to new opportunities. Often time it still feels broken, but I am thankful for all the people that have been placed into my life. It really is phases.

Risk Taker

So one thing that I seem to experience is being a risk taker. I have realized the hard way, taking risks can come with good and bad consequences. With this, I continue to work on my self confidence. My self confidence or self worth has never been very high. I think I have let circumstances and people define who I am. Now, I am trying to work harder at this. I have tried or am trying the whole possibilty of dating (as it is experienced online). I started it around the holidays of 2019 and have kind of recently opened it back up again. But to be honest, I am not good at it. I think i think too deeply and misread people. I also do not understand this whole swipe left or right process. Some of peoples profiles are too much. They might not spell correctly, have some weird pictures and the list could continue. Then it is their whole communication style. Do they only write one word? Or is what they say interesting? Do they have any values? To be honest, I have never dated. All my past relationships I met at work or through friends. So I am totally clueless. Now since it is my daughter and I, it is a package deal. They have to understand that. They also have to understand my heart still hurts. And I know this is a process. Because truly all I want is someone loving, patient, provider, has their Faith and open in their communication. Many people can be anyone online, which I also have learned the hard way. I guess life is a constant learning experience.

Transitions

So I have not written in some time. I realized it last week at my birthday dinner when my good friend brought it up. In mid July my divorce was finalized and thankfully we did not have to go to court. It was a process between the lawyers and only wanting what was best for my daughter. It was hard because I felt he was more focused about the process of money and less on the love of our daughter. It brings me to the point, that I guess life is a process. There is not a road map or easy way to deal with things. He was not the person to be honest that I thought he was. Despite it all, its a new beginning. I have to say that trust is an issue that I have to work through. As a single mom, your life is different. Your focus becomes around caring for your child(ren) (in my case child) and providing. It is hard to stop and think about other things sometimes because you often feel caught up in survival mode. Like, will I have enough gas in my car today? Will she be okay to stay at daycare longer (my work hours are different this year). Will she one day question this situation? I feel after what I have been through its hard to look at marriage and the process of children the same. Sometimes I find myself wondering: Did I do something wrong? I am a good and kind person: What did I do to deserve this? I guess this is the part of grief. I always try to enjoy all the moments I have with her. But it is hard because I dont have a lot of time to myself. It also is hard because if people want to go out and so forth, I don't always have a lot of help. Today during one of the many trainings we had at my workplace we talked about trauma and how it is seen in many forms. It can be neglect, physical and so forth. Going through the training I kept thinking that verbal abuse has just as an effect on people. Sometimes words can really hurt, especially when it is a person you trusted. With her dad he was very verbal. I held a lot of it inside because I wanted it all to "appear normal." He criticized what I wore often (clothing), how I did my parenting, the makeup I put on, and sometimes I was asked not to wear certain jewelry (like my cross necklace). I felt a part of me died when we were married. Like I was suffocated and had to keep things together. Some people do not get it too. They speculate or think their own specific ways of thinking. One thing I am learning is to value yourself. Yes, a lesson you should always have. But to truly appreciate yourself, because no one can do it for you. I wanted to make sure my daughter grew up in a happy home and a safe environment and knew she was loved. I realized that this picture might look different to us now. Sometimes it does make me mad when people can not say the truth and be real. Or how sometimes our picture of a happy marriage and what you deserve is crushed. There is no guide book to things in life (oh how I wish there was), but it is really holding on to faith.

Wrapping Things Up

The last couple of days I have felt pain inside my heart. No one can understand this pain at times and is a process of passing through. I contacted a family friend who helped and sent me a mediation that allowed me to refocus and reenergize. I also went to a favorite spot of mine that has beautiful trees and is spiritual based. It is a hard process to think about the past of what has happened in my marriage. As we are finalizing the divorce decree, which has been a lengthy process, I just have been praying that it is over. It is a sense of grief because of failed expectations, failed love, failed time spent, failed tears, and failed caring. It is hard sometimes for people to understand. It was a lengthy process in terms of our marriage. Yes, he was not from here, and we had so much we had to do in terms of him and the process of him being here. Its not just that hurts. Its how I was hoping for someone I can easily talk to, laugh with, someone I could call when I had a bad day, or someone that would understand my goals. Its a walk to process the hurts I feel inside. It has made me encounter deep trust issues and feelings of being scared. I often have to pray and reflect on verses to ease my mind when the memories come back up. Although, at the same time, I hope I can help and reach others. Many people suffer in silence with their marriages or situations that are happening in their homes. I choose to end and break it. I pray though in my heart that I never have to go through something like this again. The biggest blessing is my daughter. I love how she laughs often and is strong in character. Yesterday as I picked her up from daycare the teacher told me how she caught her kissing and holding onto another boy. I did not get mad and had to laugh as she is two. I told her daycare teacher: "Does she have good taste at least?" The teacher and I laughed. I told this story to my dad and he told me, "Who taught her affection?" I was proud at that moment that is kind and loving. That she has a lot of my character.

Finding Strength

Every Saturday I pray with my best friend from South Carolina. It allows us to open up to each other about difficult issues and also to pray for one another. She has been such a blessing to me, especially during this difficult season. This weekend my anxiety and stress has been an all time high as I have recited the Serinity prayer. After all this time, my exhusband hired a lawyer as we are finally going to court in June. It is hard to hold back the emotions, despite my faith and strong and willing attitude. Often times, especially yesterday, my choices, have caught up with me. There were certain things I noticed about him early on and in our marriage (personality traits) I should have been more aware of. Its hard now because all I want is the best life for my daughter. Yesterday, as I taught my ESL job, I recited the prayer and have been trying to calm down my stress. I have to find strength in the lord during this time of uncertainity. I also have to continue to be strong. It is not an easy task right now.

Overcomer

So yesterday I had to take my gallbladder out. I knew it was something that had to be done due to the symptoms I have been experiencing and with also having a huge gallstone inside of it. As I told a good friend of mine I am in the process of getting rid of things. I got rid of a lot after I asked for the divorce. I let go of many memories to remove them from the environment. I felt that it is best to start over. I also got rid of a lot of pictures we had together and am in the process of healing. Yesterday as I was in the hospital I kept thinking of one of my favorite songs by Mandisa, "Overcomer." In the song the lyrics that stand out to me are: "Cause God is holding you right now/You might be down for a moment." I felt like this tied into a lot of what I experienced over this last year. I was broken in the start of the school year. In July when I was soon about to take my test, I had given my soon to be ex-husband a gift. The gift was a bracelet from a copper store located downtown. There they make unique jewelry. When I gave him the bracelet I still remember writing a letter saying, "I know I am not perfect, but I love you." I was hoping that this bracelet would bring him joy. Instead of a gift back I received a letter saying, "I am sorry I do not love you anymore and I cannot take the gift." I felt broken. I remember feeling all alone and not sure who to call and who would understand? My emotions were deep as we were about to buy a house together and had a one year old...In my mind I was hoping for a much better reaction. God though was with me then and is with me now. You go through these moments of sadness and despair. You think if you are able to do this? But you are. With this whole process, I have been trying my best and hardest to remove things and situations that are unhealthy in my life. It gets tiring when you are hurting. Its tiring when you come home to someone who does not love you. And everyone deserves BETTER. I want to end with some lyrics of Mandias's that says: " You're not going under." :)