Risk Taker

So one thing that I seem to experience is being a risk taker. I have realized the hard way, taking risks can come with good and bad consequences. With this, I continue to work on my self confidence. My self confidence or self worth has never been very high. I think I have let circumstances and people define who I am. Now, I am trying to work harder at this. I have tried or am trying the whole possibilty of dating (as it is experienced online). I started it around the holidays of 2019 and have kind of recently opened it back up again. But to be honest, I am not good at it. I think i think too deeply and misread people. I also do not understand this whole swipe left or right process. Some of peoples profiles are too much. They might not spell correctly, have some weird pictures and the list could continue. Then it is their whole communication style. Do they only write one word? Or is what they say interesting? Do they have any values? To be honest, I have never dated. All my past relationships I met at work or through friends. So I am totally clueless. Now since it is my daughter and I, it is a package deal. They have to understand that. They also have to understand my heart still hurts. And I know this is a process. Because truly all I want is someone loving, patient, provider, has their Faith and open in their communication. Many people can be anyone online, which I also have learned the hard way. I guess life is a constant learning experience.

Transitions

So I have not written in some time. I realized it last week at my birthday dinner when my good friend brought it up. In mid July my divorce was finalized and thankfully we did not have to go to court. It was a process between the lawyers and only wanting what was best for my daughter. It was hard because I felt he was more focused about the process of money and less on the love of our daughter. It brings me to the point, that I guess life is a process. There is not a road map or easy way to deal with things. He was not the person to be honest that I thought he was. Despite it all, its a new beginning. I have to say that trust is an issue that I have to work through. As a single mom, your life is different. Your focus becomes around caring for your child(ren) (in my case child) and providing. It is hard to stop and think about other things sometimes because you often feel caught up in survival mode. Like, will I have enough gas in my car today? Will she be okay to stay at daycare longer (my work hours are different this year). Will she one day question this situation? I feel after what I have been through its hard to look at marriage and the process of children the same. Sometimes I find myself wondering: Did I do something wrong? I am a good and kind person: What did I do to deserve this? I guess this is the part of grief. I always try to enjoy all the moments I have with her. But it is hard because I dont have a lot of time to myself. It also is hard because if people want to go out and so forth, I don't always have a lot of help. Today during one of the many trainings we had at my workplace we talked about trauma and how it is seen in many forms. It can be neglect, physical and so forth. Going through the training I kept thinking that verbal abuse has just as an effect on people. Sometimes words can really hurt, especially when it is a person you trusted. With her dad he was very verbal. I held a lot of it inside because I wanted it all to "appear normal." He criticized what I wore often (clothing), how I did my parenting, the makeup I put on, and sometimes I was asked not to wear certain jewelry (like my cross necklace). I felt a part of me died when we were married. Like I was suffocated and had to keep things together. Some people do not get it too. They speculate or think their own specific ways of thinking. One thing I am learning is to value yourself. Yes, a lesson you should always have. But to truly appreciate yourself, because no one can do it for you. I wanted to make sure my daughter grew up in a happy home and a safe environment and knew she was loved. I realized that this picture might look different to us now. Sometimes it does make me mad when people can not say the truth and be real. Or how sometimes our picture of a happy marriage and what you deserve is crushed. There is no guide book to things in life (oh how I wish there was), but it is really holding on to faith.

Wrapping Things Up

The last couple of days I have felt pain inside my heart. No one can understand this pain at times and is a process of passing through. I contacted a family friend who helped and sent me a mediation that allowed me to refocus and reenergize. I also went to a favorite spot of mine that has beautiful trees and is spiritual based. It is a hard process to think about the past of what has happened in my marriage. As we are finalizing the divorce decree, which has been a lengthy process, I just have been praying that it is over. It is a sense of grief because of failed expectations, failed love, failed time spent, failed tears, and failed caring. It is hard sometimes for people to understand. It was a lengthy process in terms of our marriage. Yes, he was not from here, and we had so much we had to do in terms of him and the process of him being here. Its not just that hurts. Its how I was hoping for someone I can easily talk to, laugh with, someone I could call when I had a bad day, or someone that would understand my goals. Its a walk to process the hurts I feel inside. It has made me encounter deep trust issues and feelings of being scared. I often have to pray and reflect on verses to ease my mind when the memories come back up. Although, at the same time, I hope I can help and reach others. Many people suffer in silence with their marriages or situations that are happening in their homes. I choose to end and break it. I pray though in my heart that I never have to go through something like this again. The biggest blessing is my daughter. I love how she laughs often and is strong in character. Yesterday as I picked her up from daycare the teacher told me how she caught her kissing and holding onto another boy. I did not get mad and had to laugh as she is two. I told her daycare teacher: "Does she have good taste at least?" The teacher and I laughed. I told this story to my dad and he told me, "Who taught her affection?" I was proud at that moment that is kind and loving. That she has a lot of my character.

Finding Strength

Every Saturday I pray with my best friend from South Carolina. It allows us to open up to each other about difficult issues and also to pray for one another. She has been such a blessing to me, especially during this difficult season. This weekend my anxiety and stress has been an all time high as I have recited the Serinity prayer. After all this time, my exhusband hired a lawyer as we are finally going to court in June. It is hard to hold back the emotions, despite my faith and strong and willing attitude. Often times, especially yesterday, my choices, have caught up with me. There were certain things I noticed about him early on and in our marriage (personality traits) I should have been more aware of. Its hard now because all I want is the best life for my daughter. Yesterday, as I taught my ESL job, I recited the prayer and have been trying to calm down my stress. I have to find strength in the lord during this time of uncertainity. I also have to continue to be strong. It is not an easy task right now.

Overcomer

So yesterday I had to take my gallbladder out. I knew it was something that had to be done due to the symptoms I have been experiencing and with also having a huge gallstone inside of it. As I told a good friend of mine I am in the process of getting rid of things. I got rid of a lot after I asked for the divorce. I let go of many memories to remove them from the environment. I felt that it is best to start over. I also got rid of a lot of pictures we had together and am in the process of healing. Yesterday as I was in the hospital I kept thinking of one of my favorite songs by Mandisa, "Overcomer." In the song the lyrics that stand out to me are: "Cause God is holding you right now/You might be down for a moment." I felt like this tied into a lot of what I experienced over this last year. I was broken in the start of the school year. In July when I was soon about to take my test, I had given my soon to be ex-husband a gift. The gift was a bracelet from a copper store located downtown. There they make unique jewelry. When I gave him the bracelet I still remember writing a letter saying, "I know I am not perfect, but I love you." I was hoping that this bracelet would bring him joy. Instead of a gift back I received a letter saying, "I am sorry I do not love you anymore and I cannot take the gift." I felt broken. I remember feeling all alone and not sure who to call and who would understand? My emotions were deep as we were about to buy a house together and had a one year old...In my mind I was hoping for a much better reaction. God though was with me then and is with me now. You go through these moments of sadness and despair. You think if you are able to do this? But you are. With this whole process, I have been trying my best and hardest to remove things and situations that are unhealthy in my life. It gets tiring when you are hurting. Its tiring when you come home to someone who does not love you. And everyone deserves BETTER. I want to end with some lyrics of Mandias's that says: " You're not going under." :)

Mother's Day

Mother's Day As we are approaching the weekend of Mother's Day: it is so important to remember the gratitude of such a day. Moms come in so many ways such as animal moms, grandmothers, soon to be moms, moms waiting, mothers who have adopted their beautiful children and the list goes on. With it being Teacher Appreciation week, everyone who is a teacher, technically is a mom. They helped allow the students know they are appreciated and loved. They also are constantly there to support them on a five days a week basis. My mom is such a joy and so important to me in my life. She has taught me to never give up, to forgive others, to always love and to have fun. Still to this day, she will bring me a meal to enjoy with my daughter when she makes extra. Her heart is so full of love and I have found that important to be like that in my life. Also to show that to my daughter. Although Mother's Day might be hard for many who have lost their mom or loved one that filled they role. It also will be hard for those that are waiting to be moms. Know that God has a plan for you. As I continue to read about prayer and to practice it: It is so important to know God will give you your desires. Know you are not alone. ❤️

The Power of Words and Items

The Power of Words and Items With being mostly stuck indoors, I have done a lot of cleaning. When I was with my daughters dad: I felt the one bedroom apartment was so cluttered. Recently, I was tired of seeing some clutter in my new home. Also, I wanted to be free of many memories/items I had to start fresh. Yesterday I had six small white garbage bags filled with clothes to donate and one black garbage bag. Since many places are not accepting donations I gave it to one of those clothing boxes in the parking lot of YMCA. It's such a liberating experience. I also hope as I donate these items other people can wear them or use them for job interviews. With being stuck mainly inside, I have tried to walk more. I love the neighborhoood I now live in. I don't have to worry about seeing domestic violence (or hearing it) or also kids doing things they are not supposed to. Sure, this could occur, but I don't feel I live in an environment of fear. As I walked yesterday, I thought about how words have such power. I try my best to think before I speak to my daughter. Even when I am mad, I feel I have to close my eyes and reflect and pray before I say something that I will regret. When I was with her dad, we had good and bad times. His words though really hurt me. I am walking and working on deeply forgiving him, especially the period of time, after our daughter was born. I remember one day laying in bed still recovering from the birth and asked him to help with her. She was crying due to hunger, but I was still weak due to all that happened. I still remember his words,"I did not want this (in reference to kids I assume, etc." We both early on wanted kids, but seemed the responsibility was not what he expected. I remember my heart and stomach hurt. There were many other things he said that were painful. Often times people have no idea what this does to people. It really hurts them or other people around them. I feel it's so important (not easy) when we get mad or sad to pray before we say something we will regret. ❤️