Wrapping Things Up

The last couple of days I have felt pain inside my heart. No one can understand this pain at times and is a process of passing through. I contacted a family friend who helped and sent me a mediation that allowed me to refocus and reenergize. I also went to a favorite spot of mine that has beautiful trees and is spiritual based. It is a hard process to think about the past of what has happened in my marriage. As we are finalizing the divorce decree, which has been a lengthy process, I just have been praying that it is over. It is a sense of grief because of failed expectations, failed love, failed time spent, failed tears, and failed caring. It is hard sometimes for people to understand. It was a lengthy process in terms of our marriage. Yes, he was not from here, and we had so much we had to do in terms of him and the process of him being here. Its not just that hurts. Its how I was hoping for someone I can easily talk to, laugh with, someone I could call when I had a bad day, or someone that would understand my goals. Its a walk to process the hurts I feel inside. It has made me encounter deep trust issues and feelings of being scared. I often have to pray and reflect on verses to ease my mind when the memories come back up. Although, at the same time, I hope I can help and reach others. Many people suffer in silence with their marriages or situations that are happening in their homes. I choose to end and break it. I pray though in my heart that I never have to go through something like this again. The biggest blessing is my daughter. I love how she laughs often and is strong in character. Yesterday as I picked her up from daycare the teacher told me how she caught her kissing and holding onto another boy. I did not get mad and had to laugh as she is two. I told her daycare teacher: "Does she have good taste at least?" The teacher and I laughed. I told this story to my dad and he told me, "Who taught her affection?" I was proud at that moment that is kind and loving. That she has a lot of my character.

Finding Strength

Every Saturday I pray with my best friend from South Carolina. It allows us to open up to each other about difficult issues and also to pray for one another. She has been such a blessing to me, especially during this difficult season. This weekend my anxiety and stress has been an all time high as I have recited the Serinity prayer. After all this time, my exhusband hired a lawyer as we are finally going to court in June. It is hard to hold back the emotions, despite my faith and strong and willing attitude. Often times, especially yesterday, my choices, have caught up with me. There were certain things I noticed about him early on and in our marriage (personality traits) I should have been more aware of. Its hard now because all I want is the best life for my daughter. Yesterday, as I taught my ESL job, I recited the prayer and have been trying to calm down my stress. I have to find strength in the lord during this time of uncertainity. I also have to continue to be strong. It is not an easy task right now.

Overcomer

So yesterday I had to take my gallbladder out. I knew it was something that had to be done due to the symptoms I have been experiencing and with also having a huge gallstone inside of it. As I told a good friend of mine I am in the process of getting rid of things. I got rid of a lot after I asked for the divorce. I let go of many memories to remove them from the environment. I felt that it is best to start over. I also got rid of a lot of pictures we had together and am in the process of healing. Yesterday as I was in the hospital I kept thinking of one of my favorite songs by Mandisa, "Overcomer." In the song the lyrics that stand out to me are: "Cause God is holding you right now/You might be down for a moment." I felt like this tied into a lot of what I experienced over this last year. I was broken in the start of the school year. In July when I was soon about to take my test, I had given my soon to be ex-husband a gift. The gift was a bracelet from a copper store located downtown. There they make unique jewelry. When I gave him the bracelet I still remember writing a letter saying, "I know I am not perfect, but I love you." I was hoping that this bracelet would bring him joy. Instead of a gift back I received a letter saying, "I am sorry I do not love you anymore and I cannot take the gift." I felt broken. I remember feeling all alone and not sure who to call and who would understand? My emotions were deep as we were about to buy a house together and had a one year old...In my mind I was hoping for a much better reaction. God though was with me then and is with me now. You go through these moments of sadness and despair. You think if you are able to do this? But you are. With this whole process, I have been trying my best and hardest to remove things and situations that are unhealthy in my life. It gets tiring when you are hurting. Its tiring when you come home to someone who does not love you. And everyone deserves BETTER. I want to end with some lyrics of Mandias's that says: " You're not going under." :)

Mother's Day

Mother's Day As we are approaching the weekend of Mother's Day: it is so important to remember the gratitude of such a day. Moms come in so many ways such as animal moms, grandmothers, soon to be moms, moms waiting, mothers who have adopted their beautiful children and the list goes on. With it being Teacher Appreciation week, everyone who is a teacher, technically is a mom. They helped allow the students know they are appreciated and loved. They also are constantly there to support them on a five days a week basis. My mom is such a joy and so important to me in my life. She has taught me to never give up, to forgive others, to always love and to have fun. Still to this day, she will bring me a meal to enjoy with my daughter when she makes extra. Her heart is so full of love and I have found that important to be like that in my life. Also to show that to my daughter. Although Mother's Day might be hard for many who have lost their mom or loved one that filled they role. It also will be hard for those that are waiting to be moms. Know that God has a plan for you. As I continue to read about prayer and to practice it: It is so important to know God will give you your desires. Know you are not alone. ❤️

The Power of Words and Items

The Power of Words and Items With being mostly stuck indoors, I have done a lot of cleaning. When I was with my daughters dad: I felt the one bedroom apartment was so cluttered. Recently, I was tired of seeing some clutter in my new home. Also, I wanted to be free of many memories/items I had to start fresh. Yesterday I had six small white garbage bags filled with clothes to donate and one black garbage bag. Since many places are not accepting donations I gave it to one of those clothing boxes in the parking lot of YMCA. It's such a liberating experience. I also hope as I donate these items other people can wear them or use them for job interviews. With being stuck mainly inside, I have tried to walk more. I love the neighborhoood I now live in. I don't have to worry about seeing domestic violence (or hearing it) or also kids doing things they are not supposed to. Sure, this could occur, but I don't feel I live in an environment of fear. As I walked yesterday, I thought about how words have such power. I try my best to think before I speak to my daughter. Even when I am mad, I feel I have to close my eyes and reflect and pray before I say something that I will regret. When I was with her dad, we had good and bad times. His words though really hurt me. I am walking and working on deeply forgiving him, especially the period of time, after our daughter was born. I remember one day laying in bed still recovering from the birth and asked him to help with her. She was crying due to hunger, but I was still weak due to all that happened. I still remember his words,"I did not want this (in reference to kids I assume, etc." We both early on wanted kids, but seemed the responsibility was not what he expected. I remember my heart and stomach hurt. There were many other things he said that were painful. Often times people have no idea what this does to people. It really hurts them or other people around them. I feel it's so important (not easy) when we get mad or sad to pray before we say something we will regret. ❤️

Waiting

Waiting During this time of quarantine, it has been a time of patience for all of us. Waiting is not an easy task for me. I feel that I have had to wait, pray and reinforce all positive aspects. Some days in life are just hard. We pray, show gratification to God, do what we are supposed to, but there might be conflict that still arises. Today I finally received notice that on June 16, I will have my divorce hearing. I officially asked for the divorce back in October and filed at the end of the month or early November with the lawyer. Since he did not agree to it, it was pushed back and then we have Covid. There has been so many obstacles that have taken place. All I can say is divorce is not easy. It has lots of of emotions, money, pain on all areas, but at the same time: It has showed me that myself and my daughter can move on. Since last week she has had a hard time with daycare. Since I teach through distance learning I am luckily still allowed to take her to daycare. She has cried at school, said daddy, and had issues with eating. This is the first time I have seen her sad. Today, this happened again so I am doing my best to work on our night time routine. I have been praying that she finds peace amongst the confusion of figuring out the whole dad situation. She also has had some night terrors. Once again my emotions get hit. Being a single parent is HARD. You are a superhero trying to navigate raising a child and also hold your sanity with work and all situations. Her dad sees her once a week, if even for 8 to 9 hours. I try to manage my calendar the best I can. It's hard when people make comments to you telling you what is helpful and you are sometimes trying to survive. Thankfully, I am blessed with a positive and loving family, friends and a wonderful church. Money has been tight lately due to various situations that have taken place. Today, there was many blessings that took place. My church helped and bought us groceries. I was scared because my stimulus check was delayed and I am having to pay for various things. The wonderful friend from my church in her message wrote how much they loved us. That message spoke volume. Often in the day I am trying to navigate working from my normal weekly job, plus my side jobs, helping with my family, staying active with my church and raising and providing for my daughter.Such moments of love and peace remind me God is here. He has not left us through these hard times. He is there when I am praying or trying to hold back tears. He also reminds us that peace is possible. It does exist. Despite waiting for this divorce to finally be officially and the hardships of being a parent solo, I am so grateful to God. Through this, I have learned that true and loving people are around us. Also, that everyone deserves the best. I prayed about my marriage for so long. Finally starting this past summer, I told the Lord, I can't do this anymore. He loved me and understood.

Celebration of my Daughter

Celebration of my daughter Yesterday my sweet and feisty girl turned 2. I normally don't share my story of pregnancy and the birth of her, but I hope it will shape others hearts and minds. I got married at the age of 30. To make a long story short, I wanted to wait on the first year or so to not have a child. We tried and nothing would happen and was given the notice to go see a fertility doctor. I knew in my heart something was wrong. When I first got married, they noticed I had a possible cyst in my female area. Well at the age of 33, the fertility specialist told me that I had to see an oncologist after I had scans done. She called me during the daytime and I knew it was bad. The oncologist said I had to have one of my ovaries removed immediately. I then had the surgery around two days later. I cried because all I wanted was a family. It was hard to go to baby showers or see birth announcements because I could not get pregnant. I tried various approaches. It ends up I had a tumor embedded in my ovary that after I had the surgery it seemed that was cancerous. I remember crying in the doctors office. So I am kind of the emotional type. He told me that I should consider adoption. Soon after the surgery, by the miracle of God, I was pregnant. For such a long time, I prayed. I had my church, friends and family praying with me. During my first trimester I starting hemorrhaging when I was teaching. I thought I was having a miscarriage. I had to call for an emergency in my classroom and drive to the obgyn office. I was put on a medication that was to help. I had to have "pelvic rest" as much as I can. I was so scared I was going to loose my child. Later in the pregnancy I got hit with gestational diabetes. Long story short, I had some complications giving birth. I had to have an emergency c section. After I got home, I got very sick. I had to go back to the hospital and was there for two weeks. It seemed by intestines were "nicked" and I also had to have another surgery. The bile and other factors were rising up and I had trouble breathing. I remember praying: God please let me live. I want to be with my daughter. I lost 40 pounds after this and had be on a liquid diet for a long time.My parents were so heaven sent and helped me with my daughter so I could be in the hospital. Later on I had to have another surgery for my umbilical hernia. So as I celebrated my daughters birthday yesterday: I thought about how much I love her. My love for her grows every day. I went through a lot to have her, but she is the biggest blessing.