February

Last week, on the morning of February 17th, my dad, who was 73 years old passed away. He got diagnosed with a heart condition at an older age. About a decade ago, he had two open heart surgeries. One was located in San Antonio, Tx and the second one took place in Austin, Tx. My dad's theory was always you can never predict things in life. He was angry because of his heart situation, but did the best with it. At the time of his second surgery, we had to postpone my parents 40th wedding anniversary. We did celebrate it at a later time. The last time I saw my dad was on a Sunday. I went to go spend time with my parents every Sunday. We ate together and often watched Hallmark movies. Despite the fake, but fun plot of Hallmark, we had a good time seeing different scenary and places we have not ever seen before. I sat with him in his bedroom as he sat on the rocker and he told me to not always be in school (since I love going to school and getting my Master's degree) and to spend time with my daughter. He also said that not to overdue it. I remember looking at him as he was discolored from the infusions he had gotten and a blood vessel in his eye burst. It was disheartening seeing him like that. I could tell he was so uncomfortable and struggling. This last week, we had this crazy winter storm in Texas. My dad was in the hospital for like two weeks at this point and was hard to make it to see him because I was scared to drive. My mom was taken by the neighbor to see him. The last day she was there I called her and she put him on speaker phone. He was hoarse and very week. My dad (for once in his life) did not want to eat and was on oxygen. I knew at this point his body was shutting down and I had to remain strong, but my eyes filled with tears because I knew it would be hard to see him due to the storm, but also that his time on Earth was soon coming up. Following his passing, the issues of grief were in my heart. It is one thing to be a single mom and have overcome the grief of not having a husband, but losing your dad: is a whole other feeling. Every morning (when I was at my moms) that I woke up, I felt my dad would be there because he always woke up early like I did. He would tell help me get the milk for Hanna (every since her birth) or often held her. I felt a piece of my heart was missing when I could not see him. My dad and her had a special bond, that no one could break. Since she is so young, it is hard to explain why grandpa is not there. It was a blessing that many people reached out. Often times I wanted to isolate myself, but had to tell myself to "get it together." This is a process of healing when you lose a parent. I understand death is part of life, but also hard. It is also hard because I wish that more people would be honest. I have learned that some people might not understand how to handle certain emotions.

2021 the New Year

It is offically the 24th of the January and I can say that I am glad its a new year. My goal was to make a vision board, in which I did create with my pals students. One the board I listed things like confidence, going to grad school and so forth. Going to grad school has been a dream of mine for a long time. I applied over a decade or so ago and to be honest did not get accepted. I rememeber feeling disappointed, but I feel everything happens for a reason. I feel every new year, we as society, have new dreams and goals. I feel there is so many, but to focus on one at a time. One of my issues has been my weight. During the month of September I stepped onto the sale and was 224 pounds. This is one of my more heavier weights. During the month of January I started doing My fitness pal. I put my goal weight as being around 180. I have been working hard on calculating my calories and what I eat, etc. Today as I stepped onto the sale, I was 201 pounds. It is a hard and mental (plus action) process to not let binge eating take over. It is only the first month of the new year, but important to focus on progress.

Almost Christmas

Today offically marks the 23rd, which means it is two days before Christmas. 2020 has been a difficult year for many. We are still in a pandemic and having to figure out ways to survive the best we can. Its hard in the sense I miss larger social gatherings, going places mask less, concerts and not worrying about the issue of germs. As mentioned before, the holidays are hard for me, just like they are hard for people who can't see their families or those whose loved ones are sick or have lost them.Today I stopped by the park, as I am in a richy part of San Antonio. The skinny and beautiful moms were playing with their kids. I found myself in my car eating Whaterburger (which lol I should not be eating) and then of course the tears came. You have to realize I love being a mom. My daughter is my world. I look at her and thank God for a special gift and miracle. Although my love for her continues and will be strong: I feel pain. I feel it mostly in my heart everday. This pain is sometimes unbearable and cannot let it dictate me. I think of the weather and how it allows us to do and not do stuff: that is how this pain feels. By now I imagined my life differently and felt as if I did most of my life right. It is hard not to compare your life to your surroundings or what you desire. I desire to still have a family and more children. I have to get my one ovary I have checked ever few months and they ask: What is your plan? I say now, well, you know I am divorced, but still want a child. It is so frustrating because I feel my body is like a bomb about to explode often. Like I will not get that chance. It is a constant battle I have with God where this fear takes over. It is so frustrating because I know people have it worse. This time around though, I do not want to settle. I feel my self confidence/self doubt has allowed me to not think highly of myself. But I know God does. He sees me as his daughter. Despite my stubborness, disobedience, and all I have done he still loves me. He has my life planned out so techically I should not fear. I should not cry, worry or compare myself. He makes the darkness into light.

Mid December

Next week, it is offically Christmas. It seems that the time has once again escaped us. Today, I applied for graduate school. I have been thinking about it for sometime. About a decade ago, I applied for a Masters Degree in Social Work and got denied. At the time, I was serving teh homeless community in the beautiful state of Florida. As time as progressed and now I have my beautiful daughter: I think of the work hours and what would better fit, plus still something that I could make a difference. I considered to do counseling, but it was a longer process and with having a toddler, I have to be considerate of time. I then applied for Special Education to focus on being a Dignostican. I love working with this population and to help others learn. This will also give me the hours that I can still go home and spend time with my daughter. At one point, I was really considering counseling, but I had a situation shake me some time ago that happened with my cousin I was close to. I have a cousin, who is one year older than me, that suffered from being addicted to alchol and drug. Long story short, he was found and basically due to his brain and body, has lost most of his memory and sight due to overdose type situation. When I heard about this, it kind of broke me. He was adopted as a child and we spent summers together playing in the yard. These summers were filled with sprinklers being kept on, laughter, and late night slumber parties. I think about him often, how he will have to live in a home for the rest of his life. I pray God will one day heal him because I miss our conversations. I miss him calling me, "EC," and laughing. As the holidays continue to approach, I feel it is important to remember all we have and not always what we lost. It is sometimes easier said then done, but we are all blessed.

Holidays

About two weeks ago, I went for the first time camping with my book club friends. It was a very pleasurable experience as we spent time together by hiking, telling stories, eating vegan food and playing random games. It was my first time camping and it was a trip I had looked forward to. When you are parenting solo, sometimes the smallest things alone, can be the greatest vacation. Don't get me wrong: I love my daughter. She is my world, but it is nice to be in nature. The trip was very short as we were there from Friday and then left on Sunday. I then had the upcoming week off for Thanksgiving break. The holidays are often hard. This is the first year I am seen as offically being "divorced," and the emotions still are high. I know this is normal I believe for the first couple of years. Now we are in December, and this week has been hard. Work, is going good, even though its not easy teaching during an pandemic, but I love my students. They bring me such joy. I have to say that I might have cried almost every day this week. I felt myself kind of shutting down. When December hits, it reminds me of my anniversary of my wedding. I know the focus of the month is not on this, but I did get married on December 17th. It brings back those emotions, memories, and everything I went through. I think also that feeling of loliness appears. This week I talked to my coworker about affection/feelings and when we receive them. She stated coming out of an abusive relationship we crave for that attention. To be honest, that is exactly how I feel. Its hard to not focus on this concept (which to be honest I pray about daily). I think because for the last several years, it got to the point, when my ex left for work, no goodbye was really said, no kiss was barely given, no, "How was your day?" when I got home. I am not used to any of this attention, but when it is given, I find myself locked or drawn to whoever or whatever is getting it. It is so painful to have been treated this certain way. It is also hard because I feel that men of our society do not have the same morals,beliefs or wants. As the holidays are coming closer, I find myself praying that my heart continued to be healed with trying to reflect on the positive.

Truth

Sometimes it is important to take a step back and realize the truth in things and people. The kind of person I am, I have not always liked hearing or viewing the truth. This week I felt like I really had to face it again. As I am planning for a camping trip, that I scheduled as soon as I heard about it: I worked hard on sorting out the whole childcare issues. My daughter's dad, could truthfully care less about her. In his mind he focuses that I have full custody and get (minimum) child support. To him he feels that this displays being a father and sees her one day now other weekend. What hurts the most about all of this, is he has no feelings of remorse. He does not realize how hard it is to be a teacher, plus how I manage my other jobs. He does not see a lot of the pain he has caused and only what he wants. Lately I have been listening to specific songs that have touched me such as: "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me I love the lyrics such as: "Surrounded by Your glory/What will my heart feel." Truthfully I play this song when I wake up at my crazy hours in the morning or whenever I feel frustrated. This song was dedicated (by my moms former students) when my grandma passed away of cancer. This song also reminds me of her and how strong she was. She lived pretty much an entire decade without my grandpa. It reminded me of how strong I am and how much it is a process of healing and growth. Despite it being a pandemic, the truth is: I have seen good. This academic school year, I truly am honored by the students in my class. I also have reconnected with someone special/important to me from high school. I have had a roommate since September that brings me lots of laughs and we have fun and randomness together. I also am blessed with a wonderful best friend, who despite driving her crazy by my stubborness, she has taught me a lot. I write this because I might be what society or often times myself labels a "single mom," but I see it as more of a Super mom and as my daughter having the right influence. It is not an easy process though. It is a constant battle, but the truth of it all is to see the gratitude.

Phases

It is shocking that we are halfways done with October and almost done with the first nine weeks of school. I am thankful to have the opportunity to see the students I see on campus. Despite the gratitude I feel, life seems like Groundhog Day at times. Most mornings I wake up early so I can manage to teach anywhere between three to four classes to kids in China. This opportunity is something I enjoy, but I have to manage my time efficently. Often times, my sparkling eyed and hyper two year old wakes up with me. I find myself praying internally, "Please God let her sleep," as I have to navigate teaching them virtually and sometimes holding her in my lap. At times the camera is positioned where the students and parents cannot see her, but that does not always stop her early morning cries. It is kind of a walk of preservance. As I get through the classes, I average seven minutes of break in between where I find myself getting her ready for daycare, cleaning some of the house, and eating breakfast. Don't get me wrong: Often times the floor is sticky due to her having a splash fest with the juice box or getting mad and throwing her snack. Though there are times where is she is content and enjoying her Ipad as I pray that she is quiet so I can teach. This week as I dropped her off to daycare the director told me she often falls asleep in the morning for about an hour because she is tired. I had to once again explain to her that I have to work two jobs. She explains, "I understand," Sometimes it is hard to deal with the feelings of not meeting expectations of a parent. I know she should get more sleep, but at the same time, I can't leave her alone when I teach online to kids overseas. It is kind of a battle. I had to let it go. Overall, it seems that as a single parent you run into various things and occurances. Sometime ago, I had to break down and once again delete the dating apps. I had to have my best friend and my sister in law hold me accountable of taking a break from those. Some people have luck on them, but for me, I seem to find the real, "winners." I found some men were not educated, too sexual in the beginning, or I had one guy that went straight to the marriage talk. I had to explain to him that I just got out of a (almost) six year marriage and that yes, I want to be married (again), but this time for things to be done correctly. I also had to tell him that I was an independent woman. Some guys might find this attractive, while others find this as an occurance of using you or wanting to use you (in terms of money matters). I decided that putting my faith in God, which is not always easy, to direct me to who I should be with. There are things currently I am deep in prayer about and know he hears.
As the school I teach at phases into opening up completely for students to come back to; my heart is slowly opening up to new opportunities. Often time it still feels broken, but I am thankful for all the people that have been placed into my life. It really is phases.