Not Being Labeled

Recently as of last night, I finished watching the film produced in 2020 called, "Words on Bathroom Walls," in which a young student has the mental illness known as schizophrenia. Some of the scenes had some interesting graphics and perspections of how public/private school handles these type of situations and what to do for people/students who struggle and have this. The end of the movie was rather touching (yes, tears came from my eyes) because he knew it really would not fully go away. Also, the priest in the movie, helped him realize he could overcome anything. Today as we finished up our recent series in church, my pastor spoke of our identity and how it is formed. Some of the things mentioned is having God's word and also important leaders. It is these leaders that help us establish who we are today. In the sense of the movie, "Words on Bathroom Walls," it was the priest at the private school he ended up going to and also his mom that made a difference in his life. I know many of my posts often reflect back on my career in teaching, but this year has to be one of the most difficult ones, in the sense of the various issues present. Due to ongoing illnesses of staff having COVID and the different behaviors of the students, we are short staffed. Everyday, teachers in general, but more or less, teachers of my school are not sure what they are "walking into." This past week, due to the changes of weather and stress of everything, I had more of a reaction in terms of my skin due to battling some of the stress. On Friday I remember thinking (again) to myself: "I am not sure how much longer I can do this." I was thankful to spend Friday and Saturday talking with people who have been a positive influence in my life. Yesterday, or Saturday, as I went to the thrift store to get more cotton based clothing/roomy clothing as recommended by the school nurse, in order for my skin to heal: I came across one of my students. This particular student got put in my class several weeks after school started. Due to privacy, I will not give out a lot of information, but has improved a lot despite her "labels" or learning related issues. As I was in line at the store, trying to get my toddler's attention, she came up excitely to tell me, "Hi." A wave came over me because I know this school year will continue to be crazy. Some of these issues we deal with are not easy to resolve. Although, seeing this student (of all places, lol, the thrift store) reminded me that I make and continue to make a difference in their lives. Her face light up as she greeted me. What does this mean? We might be labeled as things often determined or given by society, but have to reminded that God sees us all as equal. WE ALL ARE ONE. Also, it is important to let the past go and the things that discouraged us. Those things are not valid and should not be present in our life.

Showing Love

This Friday, October 1, 2021 would have been my dad's seventy fourth birthday. He was a guy who was not always big on gifts and often I would find the gift stashed away in a drawer with all his other goodies. I remember asking him, "Dad have you used the gift?" Often, he would completely avoid the subject or say how grateful he was. I also knew he was so busy working and did not take the time out to look at what was given. A few months ago, my mom and I were going through all his things hidden away in his office. It was there that I found the Fitbit I had given him to hopefully better monitor his irregularity of his heart. Instead of trying to resale the watch (which you know people can be very cheap to purchasing items) so I decided to give the watch to a friend that meant a lot to me at church. I wanted to give it to someone that was important to me. My hardworking dad was not always focused on "items" and our time consisted of sitting and talking to each other. These are the conversations I like to think of when I feel the moments of grief come on. My dad did the best he could as a parent to me over the years and what he taught me I will never forget. Sometimes we can make parenting harder than it seems. It is something that is not always easy and for me it never has been a simple journey. This week, since I have the week off from grad school, I was able to breathe and reflect more on the beautiful moments experienced. My very rambunctious toddler, who is three, last night was amused by the simplicity of My Little Pony items in her bathtub. As I monitored her splashing around in the tub, she was having tons of conversations with such horses. As a full-time working teacher, grad student, single mom and someone who always tries to help others: I tend to overthink things or get swept aside by the busyness I do not pause. All my daughter Hanna wants is to have a good time, needing that love and reassurance, and of course having quality time. As I reflect on this and think of all the chaos that is being done at the schools right now: Are these students shown love at home? Is getting negative attention to them better than not getting anything at all? Today or on a daily basis, I try to do my best to go around the classroom and not just better help the students with their reading and writing skills but show them they matter. This can be done by simple things such as having a conversation of their day, reading with them, or helping them with writing something such as (currently) their personal narrative. I have had students come give me a hug at various times of the day and in such as difficult school year, it has also really made my day. Lastly, as I reflect on parenting and showing love: each person needs it a certain way and does it differently. My dad was all about helping me with various things such as around the house or with my car. This week, when my air conditioner stopped working, I wish I could have picked up the phone and called him to ask him: "Dad, what do I do?" His guidance on many things was a sense of comfort and peace. I feel our parents always have a good intuition of us and know what is best. My dad might not have always been "perfect" but in the essence of time, I have come to conclusion he always loved me and always expressed "tough love." Sometimes this is the love I must show to my little daughter Hanna because I care for her so much. There are times when it is hard because I do not have a lot of time to myself (sleeping, haha, even if that happens), but I must remember the moments I have with her are to be treasured. Before my dad passed, he told me to always make sure to spend time with Hanna. He knew that I was sometimes bombarded by all the other factors in life. Love can be shown in the simplest things. To my daughter Hanna, sitting watching a movie while eating popcorn with her, brings her joy.

Reflections on a new school year

This past week was our, "offical" first week of school. The amount of classes have changed for most teachers and many of the students we have in our classes have to recall the basic skills like social, logging into things, and writing. It is important to remember to practice the essence of patience. Although, this school year is different. As I walked up to my middle school campus I really felt a void that continues to remain in my heart. Most mornings I was used to messaging or talking with my dad. He often encouraged me and reminded me of the various skills I have. I did not have the courage to place a picture of him inside my classroom from a fear of crying. Instead I have Blimpy and it sits on the front of my desk because this was him and Hanna's "thing." They often watched this Youtube sensation together as their favorite one was the, "Halloween song." Some of my middle schoolers who know who he is, have no idea why I have Blimpy on my desk. I miss my dad on a daily basis, but know that he is not suffering anymore and in a better place. I try to honor his memory by thinking of the good times and moments. Also, how he always worked hard for us and I continue to value his work effort. Today at church we focused on the strength of God and allowing us to overcome. My pastor reminded us to not to be afraid and that it is important to remember God's TRUTH, TRUST, and TIMING. As I approach school each day I will have to remind myself to think about this. Also, to trust God that he will move mountains with the students I have this year. Sometimes it is hard because the day may seem long, but I know that I am blessed. Often, I have been picking up Hanna around 530 or 600 pm to get all things done. From today's word it reminded me that the Lord is our ultimate strength and also to be thankful. I have undergone a lot of circumstances that when going through them, I often time felt upset, angry and distant sometimes from God. As I have pursued and gotten closer to my walk with Him: I can see His fruits and Thanksgiving in all areas of my life. Despite the past, the present and future can flourish and be blessed.

Our Foundation and changes

One of the churches I go to has had the central focus be on foundation and how our life is in reflection to God. Our foundation and how we live has to line up. Today as I was at my mom's house, she showed me my dad's death certificate. Before showing it to me, she read it off to me. The thing is that I spent time in the medical field and studied what the doctor's had diagnosed my dad with. I think seeing this visual brought back those hidden feelings of grief I try to mask under my layers. It was my dad's heart and his oxygen level/lungs that got the best of him. His body could only take so much and we have to be mindful how we treat our bodies. What do we put in them? What do we say to ourselves? What do we focus on daily? It is one thing to have a health condition, but also another thing to eat what is nutrition (appropriate). So many people are not shown what is right. It is moments like this, that make us changes things. I can not ever get back my dad, but I can only try to do my best and help others. Physical and mental health are so important. I think, unfortunately, it sometimes takes tragedy or illness, to make us realize things. I started my journey back in September to weight loss because I was so heavy. Walking/hiking put a lot of pressure on my heart because my body was having to do extra force. At the start of my weight loss journey, I was 224 pounds. Now I have reached one of my goals as far as weight is concerned and am 180. I still have to push myself to let go of specific foods and have to continue to work out. I think going through my dad's health and visually seeing him sick was eye opening. What kind of life do we want to live? This has been a rollercoaster, because also my best friend from high school, has been very ill with Crohn's disease. I pray for her, but with any illness/sickness it is a time process. With that said, it is important to remember our foundation: Is God first? Is he putting specific people in our lives for a reason/season? I have had so many people enter my life in the last few years. Some for a short time and others for a longer period. What stands out to me is that, all of these people have impacted me in one way or another. About a few weeks ago, while at Academy, Hanna saw a mannequin in the men's section. She walked up to it, and said, "Daddy," and started talking to it. I had to hold back the tears. Her dad I feel is almost invisible and I know she is now three and becoming more aware of things. When I mentioned this to my group at church we talked about how she was not aware of what she is doing (since she is so little), but also that it was once again a good thing that I walked away from the situation because she would have thought that was normal. I try to put this positive foundation in her life with focus around God. I sometimes have to pray for my patience because it is hard doing it all. With that said, it is important to cherish LIFE and our health.

Healing

I had a talk with my coworker the other day. We always have deep conversations when we have lunch together on A Days. She asked me: Have you experienced death before? I explained to her that I have, but not someone this close to me. For the most part my dad and I would talk almost every day. He would always provide insight for me when I was deep in thought or worried about work, a guy, Hanna and so forth. He was my "go to" person. There is not a lot of, "go to people," in life. They are very limited. Back in December, which is always the hardest month for me, I remember telling him: Dad I do not understand men? He explained to me that he could only imagine that things were differently these days. He always had a story to tell. He stuck by my side as I had to fight for my divorce. It was hard having to tell my dad some of the things that I went through, because it was something I had held inside for quite some time. Last week, Spring Break, I went on my first real date in a long time. He was someone that was discovered through this new virtual app (I guess of dating for quartinine) I was nervous and did not tell a lot of people because it is not easy getting back in this experience. We went to eat and talked the entire time. What striked me about this guy was he was also a single dad and appeared to be kind. He went through a similar experience where he had to raise his daughter on his own. I shared with him some of my many experiences of that my daughter still sleeps with me because I was always so used to it being us. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, and kissed. I did not think much of it, but then he said, "I only live a few minutes away- lets go back to my house." So many things crossed my mind at this time, but I stood my ground and said NO. We talked the next few days and then he disappeared. So when processing this with my friend, the truth came up and we obviously assumed all he wanted. I know that this was another blessing in disguise. I understand that the way sex is potrayed in our society and talked about, but so many people want more(communication). I feel I have to say this to many people because they do not get it. Dating seems to be a self confidence thing too because you have to learn rejection. Although, it is hard. It is sad that there are not many people that have values and care for others.

February

Last week, on the morning of February 17th, my dad, who was 73 years old passed away. He got diagnosed with a heart condition at an older age. About a decade ago, he had two open heart surgeries. One was located in San Antonio, Tx and the second one took place in Austin, Tx. My dad's theory was always you can never predict things in life. He was angry because of his heart situation, but did the best with it. At the time of his second surgery, we had to postpone my parents 40th wedding anniversary. We did celebrate it at a later time. The last time I saw my dad was on a Sunday. I went to go spend time with my parents every Sunday. We ate together and often watched Hallmark movies. Despite the fake, but fun plot of Hallmark, we had a good time seeing different scenary and places we have not ever seen before. I sat with him in his bedroom as he sat on the rocker and he told me to not always be in school (since I love going to school and getting my Master's degree) and to spend time with my daughter. He also said that not to overdue it. I remember looking at him as he was discolored from the infusions he had gotten and a blood vessel in his eye burst. It was disheartening seeing him like that. I could tell he was so uncomfortable and struggling. This last week, we had this crazy winter storm in Texas. My dad was in the hospital for like two weeks at this point and was hard to make it to see him because I was scared to drive. My mom was taken by the neighbor to see him. The last day she was there I called her and she put him on speaker phone. He was hoarse and very week. My dad (for once in his life) did not want to eat and was on oxygen. I knew at this point his body was shutting down and I had to remain strong, but my eyes filled with tears because I knew it would be hard to see him due to the storm, but also that his time on Earth was soon coming up. Following his passing, the issues of grief were in my heart. It is one thing to be a single mom and have overcome the grief of not having a husband, but losing your dad: is a whole other feeling. Every morning (when I was at my moms) that I woke up, I felt my dad would be there because he always woke up early like I did. He would tell help me get the milk for Hanna (every since her birth) or often held her. I felt a piece of my heart was missing when I could not see him. My dad and her had a special bond, that no one could break. Since she is so young, it is hard to explain why grandpa is not there. It was a blessing that many people reached out. Often times I wanted to isolate myself, but had to tell myself to "get it together." This is a process of healing when you lose a parent. I understand death is part of life, but also hard. It is also hard because I wish that more people would be honest. I have learned that some people might not understand how to handle certain emotions.

2021 the New Year

It is offically the 24th of the January and I can say that I am glad its a new year. My goal was to make a vision board, in which I did create with my pals students. One the board I listed things like confidence, going to grad school and so forth. Going to grad school has been a dream of mine for a long time. I applied over a decade or so ago and to be honest did not get accepted. I rememeber feeling disappointed, but I feel everything happens for a reason. I feel every new year, we as society, have new dreams and goals. I feel there is so many, but to focus on one at a time. One of my issues has been my weight. During the month of September I stepped onto the sale and was 224 pounds. This is one of my more heavier weights. During the month of January I started doing My fitness pal. I put my goal weight as being around 180. I have been working hard on calculating my calories and what I eat, etc. Today as I stepped onto the sale, I was 201 pounds. It is a hard and mental (plus action) process to not let binge eating take over. It is only the first month of the new year, but important to focus on progress.