Almost Christmas

Today offically marks the 23rd, which means it is two days before Christmas. 2020 has been a difficult year for many. We are still in a pandemic and having to figure out ways to survive the best we can. Its hard in the sense I miss larger social gatherings, going places mask less, concerts and not worrying about the issue of germs. As mentioned before, the holidays are hard for me, just like they are hard for people who can't see their families or those whose loved ones are sick or have lost them.Today I stopped by the park, as I am in a richy part of San Antonio. The skinny and beautiful moms were playing with their kids. I found myself in my car eating Whaterburger (which lol I should not be eating) and then of course the tears came. You have to realize I love being a mom. My daughter is my world. I look at her and thank God for a special gift and miracle. Although my love for her continues and will be strong: I feel pain. I feel it mostly in my heart everday. This pain is sometimes unbearable and cannot let it dictate me. I think of the weather and how it allows us to do and not do stuff: that is how this pain feels. By now I imagined my life differently and felt as if I did most of my life right. It is hard not to compare your life to your surroundings or what you desire. I desire to still have a family and more children. I have to get my one ovary I have checked ever few months and they ask: What is your plan? I say now, well, you know I am divorced, but still want a child. It is so frustrating because I feel my body is like a bomb about to explode often. Like I will not get that chance. It is a constant battle I have with God where this fear takes over. It is so frustrating because I know people have it worse. This time around though, I do not want to settle. I feel my self confidence/self doubt has allowed me to not think highly of myself. But I know God does. He sees me as his daughter. Despite my stubborness, disobedience, and all I have done he still loves me. He has my life planned out so techically I should not fear. I should not cry, worry or compare myself. He makes the darkness into light.

Mid December

Next week, it is offically Christmas. It seems that the time has once again escaped us. Today, I applied for graduate school. I have been thinking about it for sometime. About a decade ago, I applied for a Masters Degree in Social Work and got denied. At the time, I was serving teh homeless community in the beautiful state of Florida. As time as progressed and now I have my beautiful daughter: I think of the work hours and what would better fit, plus still something that I could make a difference. I considered to do counseling, but it was a longer process and with having a toddler, I have to be considerate of time. I then applied for Special Education to focus on being a Dignostican. I love working with this population and to help others learn. This will also give me the hours that I can still go home and spend time with my daughter. At one point, I was really considering counseling, but I had a situation shake me some time ago that happened with my cousin I was close to. I have a cousin, who is one year older than me, that suffered from being addicted to alchol and drug. Long story short, he was found and basically due to his brain and body, has lost most of his memory and sight due to overdose type situation. When I heard about this, it kind of broke me. He was adopted as a child and we spent summers together playing in the yard. These summers were filled with sprinklers being kept on, laughter, and late night slumber parties. I think about him often, how he will have to live in a home for the rest of his life. I pray God will one day heal him because I miss our conversations. I miss him calling me, "EC," and laughing. As the holidays continue to approach, I feel it is important to remember all we have and not always what we lost. It is sometimes easier said then done, but we are all blessed.

Holidays

About two weeks ago, I went for the first time camping with my book club friends. It was a very pleasurable experience as we spent time together by hiking, telling stories, eating vegan food and playing random games. It was my first time camping and it was a trip I had looked forward to. When you are parenting solo, sometimes the smallest things alone, can be the greatest vacation. Don't get me wrong: I love my daughter. She is my world, but it is nice to be in nature. The trip was very short as we were there from Friday and then left on Sunday. I then had the upcoming week off for Thanksgiving break. The holidays are often hard. This is the first year I am seen as offically being "divorced," and the emotions still are high. I know this is normal I believe for the first couple of years. Now we are in December, and this week has been hard. Work, is going good, even though its not easy teaching during an pandemic, but I love my students. They bring me such joy. I have to say that I might have cried almost every day this week. I felt myself kind of shutting down. When December hits, it reminds me of my anniversary of my wedding. I know the focus of the month is not on this, but I did get married on December 17th. It brings back those emotions, memories, and everything I went through. I think also that feeling of loliness appears. This week I talked to my coworker about affection/feelings and when we receive them. She stated coming out of an abusive relationship we crave for that attention. To be honest, that is exactly how I feel. Its hard to not focus on this concept (which to be honest I pray about daily). I think because for the last several years, it got to the point, when my ex left for work, no goodbye was really said, no kiss was barely given, no, "How was your day?" when I got home. I am not used to any of this attention, but when it is given, I find myself locked or drawn to whoever or whatever is getting it. It is so painful to have been treated this certain way. It is also hard because I feel that men of our society do not have the same morals,beliefs or wants. As the holidays are coming closer, I find myself praying that my heart continued to be healed with trying to reflect on the positive.