October is In

This week has been one month since I have been married. The feeling of pure bliss continues to linger even on the days that may seem overwhelming. It has been a progress moving to a new town that is small in which I do not get to experience a nearby Dunkin Donuts in the area (such sadness). I will say I miss my church, friends, and understanding what is expected on a everyday basis. Although, this week, has made my heart shine. I have offically been married for a month. I love my hubby and everyday is exciting because of our love of life and of Gods blessings.

Moving and New Blessings

Over the last couple weeks, my fiance and I have been taking things back and forth to my new place of where I will live. You never realize how much you have until you move. Going through my things, made me realize I really need to purge more. Yesterday, he took a 6 by 12 cargo Uhaul trailer back to Hanna and I's new home (Yes, he is the best, but I am biased, lol). The process has been bitter sweet because of the journey Hanna and I had when we moved to this home. Before I had moved to where I am now, as some of my blog is about, was in a very unhappy and unhealthy marriage. Often times I lived in "denial" because I felt I was going to be judged and when I commit to something or someone I give it my all. Upon moving here, I had asked my ex-husband for a divorce, having no idea where my life would be headed. Before getting a lot of the furniture, I often slept on the floor or a air mattress because I was pretty in the negative balance as terms as money was concerned. The bed I had here, my fiance broke apart so that we could give to someone else (since it is really hard to sell things in San Antonio). The frame along with the headboard I put by the dumpster and posted on the local Neighborhood application along with some of Hanna's things because lol I have done a lot of "donation" trips. Going back to my once room, there was still the green tape down on the floor that my dad had labeled and mapped out because of the space to where my bed should put. I am not very good EVER with measurements or Math, but my dad had put the area to when they come to set up my bed, where it should go. Along with this, I found one of Hanna's baby bottles as we moved here shortly after she turned one. Many of these memories will remain in my heart because even though I was blessed upon moving to where I have lived for the last almost three years, I was in a dark place for sometime.

. My best friend Andrea would always remind me of the famous Jermiah verse because she always knew God had way better plans then what I was living. Which is kind of cute and funny when I reflect on this, because I still recall this is the verse that my fiance put on his profile, when I discovered him. I think God has a sense of humor. During this process of moving it has reminded me (once again) to not buy or that I need to somehow get so many things I do not need. I was thankful in the process of moving, I had the opportunity to bless others with some of the items I do not need anymore. This was my first own real home and also the last thing that my dad and I did together. We worked together as I told him I wanted to do the downstairs watermelon colors (pink and green) and the upstairs under the water (so blues) since I love swimming, dolphins and anything water related. I have had to do it in segments because it is a process and its a new step, but a happy one. I hope this blog will inspire others in various ways such as there is always hope and God really has our best life in mind despite what we might go through. Lastly, real love, can be experienced, and joy. Others might have their own opinions or you might be hiding in your own pain, but it is okay (as I dealt with my ex) to walk away from painful things. You always want to set a good example and the best example for your kids and life. Also, God always has your best interest at heart.

Engagement

Last Thursday, offically one week ago from today I got engaged. This is a moment I have waited a long time for and feel as though I dreamed about. Over the years, I have watched numerous family members, loved ones and friends get married and start families. Sometimes though some people I know have had different outcomes and not always the ones also as expected. Such as having to deal with health issues, not being able to having children for various reasons or maybe their partner not exactly being the person they were supposed to be. For a long time I prayed for God to bring me someone, in my heart hoping this person would love and care for my daughter, be a man of God, motivated, fun, but also someone who I also could enjoy having a family together (them having their own children and also having one together). I was told by a pastor of my church last year a conversation that has always stayed with me: Write your requests down (why I love prayer journals) and see what God can do. He really got me to think deeply about this and I also stopped putting so much pressure on myself and letting things go. My future husband, by far, not only meets all the items I have dreamed/wrote down about, but is even a greater gift from God because of all his additional skills, personality and his love and kindness. When I first came across his profile (yes I will reveal I met him on a Christian based dating site) that I still remember the feeling (of joy or you could say the Holy Spirit that came over me) when I saw him and his two children. I specifically remember praying to God that night and saying: "Please God let this guy respond." I will never forgot that evening. Over the last few months, it has been such a continued blessing. I have seen God first hand in our relationship and with now entering marriage. Also, it is one thing to love someone else and to feel loved, but it is a even bigger blessing his beautiful children and the love/compassion I feel/show for them. My best friend since high school would always tell me to let go and how God would work things out. She also always has been patient with me and has listened to my heart and knew God had so much in store for me. When I got proposed to: all the things he said and did were so beautiful. I am so excited for our engagement and it still feels like a dream.

Not Being Labeled

Recently as of last night, I finished watching the film produced in 2020 called, "Words on Bathroom Walls," in which a young student has the mental illness known as schizophrenia. Some of the scenes had some interesting graphics and perspections of how public/private school handles these type of situations and what to do for people/students who struggle and have this. The end of the movie was rather touching (yes, tears came from my eyes) because he knew it really would not fully go away. Also, the priest in the movie, helped him realize he could overcome anything. Today as we finished up our recent series in church, my pastor spoke of our identity and how it is formed. Some of the things mentioned is having God's word and also important leaders. It is these leaders that help us establish who we are today. In the sense of the movie, "Words on Bathroom Walls," it was the priest at the private school he ended up going to and also his mom that made a difference in his life. I know many of my posts often reflect back on my career in teaching, but this year has to be one of the most difficult ones, in the sense of the various issues present. Due to ongoing illnesses of staff having COVID and the different behaviors of the students, we are short staffed. Everyday, teachers in general, but more or less, teachers of my school are not sure what they are "walking into." This past week, due to the changes of weather and stress of everything, I had more of a reaction in terms of my skin due to battling some of the stress. On Friday I remember thinking (again) to myself: "I am not sure how much longer I can do this." I was thankful to spend Friday and Saturday talking with people who have been a positive influence in my life. Yesterday, or Saturday, as I went to the thrift store to get more cotton based clothing/roomy clothing as recommended by the school nurse, in order for my skin to heal: I came across one of my students. This particular student got put in my class several weeks after school started. Due to privacy, I will not give out a lot of information, but has improved a lot despite her "labels" or learning related issues. As I was in line at the store, trying to get my toddler's attention, she came up excitely to tell me, "Hi." A wave came over me because I know this school year will continue to be crazy. Some of these issues we deal with are not easy to resolve. Although, seeing this student (of all places, lol, the thrift store) reminded me that I make and continue to make a difference in their lives. Her face light up as she greeted me. What does this mean? We might be labeled as things often determined or given by society, but have to reminded that God sees us all as equal. WE ALL ARE ONE. Also, it is important to let the past go and the things that discouraged us. Those things are not valid and should not be present in our life.

Showing Love

This Friday, October 1, 2021 would have been my dad's seventy fourth birthday. He was a guy who was not always big on gifts and often I would find the gift stashed away in a drawer with all his other goodies. I remember asking him, "Dad have you used the gift?" Often, he would completely avoid the subject or say how grateful he was. I also knew he was so busy working and did not take the time out to look at what was given. A few months ago, my mom and I were going through all his things hidden away in his office. It was there that I found the Fitbit I had given him to hopefully better monitor his irregularity of his heart. Instead of trying to resale the watch (which you know people can be very cheap to purchasing items) so I decided to give the watch to a friend that meant a lot to me at church. I wanted to give it to someone that was important to me. My hardworking dad was not always focused on "items" and our time consisted of sitting and talking to each other. These are the conversations I like to think of when I feel the moments of grief come on. My dad did the best he could as a parent to me over the years and what he taught me I will never forget. Sometimes we can make parenting harder than it seems. It is something that is not always easy and for me it never has been a simple journey. This week, since I have the week off from grad school, I was able to breathe and reflect more on the beautiful moments experienced. My very rambunctious toddler, who is three, last night was amused by the simplicity of My Little Pony items in her bathtub. As I monitored her splashing around in the tub, she was having tons of conversations with such horses. As a full-time working teacher, grad student, single mom and someone who always tries to help others: I tend to overthink things or get swept aside by the busyness I do not pause. All my daughter Hanna wants is to have a good time, needing that love and reassurance, and of course having quality time. As I reflect on this and think of all the chaos that is being done at the schools right now: Are these students shown love at home? Is getting negative attention to them better than not getting anything at all? Today or on a daily basis, I try to do my best to go around the classroom and not just better help the students with their reading and writing skills but show them they matter. This can be done by simple things such as having a conversation of their day, reading with them, or helping them with writing something such as (currently) their personal narrative. I have had students come give me a hug at various times of the day and in such as difficult school year, it has also really made my day. Lastly, as I reflect on parenting and showing love: each person needs it a certain way and does it differently. My dad was all about helping me with various things such as around the house or with my car. This week, when my air conditioner stopped working, I wish I could have picked up the phone and called him to ask him: "Dad, what do I do?" His guidance on many things was a sense of comfort and peace. I feel our parents always have a good intuition of us and know what is best. My dad might not have always been "perfect" but in the essence of time, I have come to conclusion he always loved me and always expressed "tough love." Sometimes this is the love I must show to my little daughter Hanna because I care for her so much. There are times when it is hard because I do not have a lot of time to myself (sleeping, haha, even if that happens), but I must remember the moments I have with her are to be treasured. Before my dad passed, he told me to always make sure to spend time with Hanna. He knew that I was sometimes bombarded by all the other factors in life. Love can be shown in the simplest things. To my daughter Hanna, sitting watching a movie while eating popcorn with her, brings her joy.

Reflections on a new school year

This past week was our, "offical" first week of school. The amount of classes have changed for most teachers and many of the students we have in our classes have to recall the basic skills like social, logging into things, and writing. It is important to remember to practice the essence of patience. Although, this school year is different. As I walked up to my middle school campus I really felt a void that continues to remain in my heart. Most mornings I was used to messaging or talking with my dad. He often encouraged me and reminded me of the various skills I have. I did not have the courage to place a picture of him inside my classroom from a fear of crying. Instead I have Blimpy and it sits on the front of my desk because this was him and Hanna's "thing." They often watched this Youtube sensation together as their favorite one was the, "Halloween song." Some of my middle schoolers who know who he is, have no idea why I have Blimpy on my desk. I miss my dad on a daily basis, but know that he is not suffering anymore and in a better place. I try to honor his memory by thinking of the good times and moments. Also, how he always worked hard for us and I continue to value his work effort. Today at church we focused on the strength of God and allowing us to overcome. My pastor reminded us to not to be afraid and that it is important to remember God's TRUTH, TRUST, and TIMING. As I approach school each day I will have to remind myself to think about this. Also, to trust God that he will move mountains with the students I have this year. Sometimes it is hard because the day may seem long, but I know that I am blessed. Often, I have been picking up Hanna around 530 or 600 pm to get all things done. From today's word it reminded me that the Lord is our ultimate strength and also to be thankful. I have undergone a lot of circumstances that when going through them, I often time felt upset, angry and distant sometimes from God. As I have pursued and gotten closer to my walk with Him: I can see His fruits and Thanksgiving in all areas of my life. Despite the past, the present and future can flourish and be blessed.

Our Foundation and changes

One of the churches I go to has had the central focus be on foundation and how our life is in reflection to God. Our foundation and how we live has to line up. Today as I was at my mom's house, she showed me my dad's death certificate. Before showing it to me, she read it off to me. The thing is that I spent time in the medical field and studied what the doctor's had diagnosed my dad with. I think seeing this visual brought back those hidden feelings of grief I try to mask under my layers. It was my dad's heart and his oxygen level/lungs that got the best of him. His body could only take so much and we have to be mindful how we treat our bodies. What do we put in them? What do we say to ourselves? What do we focus on daily? It is one thing to have a health condition, but also another thing to eat what is nutrition (appropriate). So many people are not shown what is right. It is moments like this, that make us changes things. I can not ever get back my dad, but I can only try to do my best and help others. Physical and mental health are so important. I think, unfortunately, it sometimes takes tragedy or illness, to make us realize things. I started my journey back in September to weight loss because I was so heavy. Walking/hiking put a lot of pressure on my heart because my body was having to do extra force. At the start of my weight loss journey, I was 224 pounds. Now I have reached one of my goals as far as weight is concerned and am 180. I still have to push myself to let go of specific foods and have to continue to work out. I think going through my dad's health and visually seeing him sick was eye opening. What kind of life do we want to live? This has been a rollercoaster, because also my best friend from high school, has been very ill with Crohn's disease. I pray for her, but with any illness/sickness it is a time process. With that said, it is important to remember our foundation: Is God first? Is he putting specific people in our lives for a reason/season? I have had so many people enter my life in the last few years. Some for a short time and others for a longer period. What stands out to me is that, all of these people have impacted me in one way or another. About a few weeks ago, while at Academy, Hanna saw a mannequin in the men's section. She walked up to it, and said, "Daddy," and started talking to it. I had to hold back the tears. Her dad I feel is almost invisible and I know she is now three and becoming more aware of things. When I mentioned this to my group at church we talked about how she was not aware of what she is doing (since she is so little), but also that it was once again a good thing that I walked away from the situation because she would have thought that was normal. I try to put this positive foundation in her life with focus around God. I sometimes have to pray for my patience because it is hard doing it all. With that said, it is important to cherish LIFE and our health.