Phases

It is shocking that we are halfways done with October and almost done with the first nine weeks of school. I am thankful to have the opportunity to see the students I see on campus. Despite the gratitude I feel, life seems like Groundhog Day at times. Most mornings I wake up early so I can manage to teach anywhere between three to four classes to kids in China. This opportunity is something I enjoy, but I have to manage my time efficently. Often times, my sparkling eyed and hyper two year old wakes up with me. I find myself praying internally, "Please God let her sleep," as I have to navigate teaching them virtually and sometimes holding her in my lap. At times the camera is positioned where the students and parents cannot see her, but that does not always stop her early morning cries. It is kind of a walk of preservance. As I get through the classes, I average seven minutes of break in between where I find myself getting her ready for daycare, cleaning some of the house, and eating breakfast. Don't get me wrong: Often times the floor is sticky due to her having a splash fest with the juice box or getting mad and throwing her snack. Though there are times where is she is content and enjoying her Ipad as I pray that she is quiet so I can teach. This week as I dropped her off to daycare the director told me she often falls asleep in the morning for about an hour because she is tired. I had to once again explain to her that I have to work two jobs. She explains, "I understand," Sometimes it is hard to deal with the feelings of not meeting expectations of a parent. I know she should get more sleep, but at the same time, I can't leave her alone when I teach online to kids overseas. It is kind of a battle. I had to let it go. Overall, it seems that as a single parent you run into various things and occurances. Sometime ago, I had to break down and once again delete the dating apps. I had to have my best friend and my sister in law hold me accountable of taking a break from those. Some people have luck on them, but for me, I seem to find the real, "winners." I found some men were not educated, too sexual in the beginning, or I had one guy that went straight to the marriage talk. I had to explain to him that I just got out of a (almost) six year marriage and that yes, I want to be married (again), but this time for things to be done correctly. I also had to tell him that I was an independent woman. Some guys might find this attractive, while others find this as an occurance of using you or wanting to use you (in terms of money matters). I decided that putting my faith in God, which is not always easy, to direct me to who I should be with. There are things currently I am deep in prayer about and know he hears.
As the school I teach at phases into opening up completely for students to come back to; my heart is slowly opening up to new opportunities. Often time it still feels broken, but I am thankful for all the people that have been placed into my life. It really is phases.